Finally, Don't be Driven

I sometimes wonder if the people around me get tired of hearing "So I am reading this book." But I truly believe that reading is an invaluable asset. As I wandered into the office/den/cave at home, my son looked up from his cartoon intoxication and asked why we had so many books. He, like my daughter, is a pretty avid reader. Although he is more into video games than anything. Anyway, it is a common theme. I read way less than a lot of my friends and colleagues, but I just finished reading "Youth Ministry 3.0 - A Manifesto of where we've been, where we are and where we need to go." It is a somewhat unlikely read for me, in that it is a youth ministry specific book and one of a select few I have read. I found it really challenging as it talked about the authors perspective on where we have been and currently are in youth ministry. The emergence of an adolescent culture is a recent phenomenon, in the last century, and all indications are that the period of time attributed to this "transitionary" phase of life is increasing. All of this was interesting and challenged me, but it was when I got to one of the last sections that I found my most significant and intensely personal lessons. It was entitled "Finally, Don't be Driven." I would like to quote some of this small, yet impactful section because it meant so much to me. Here is what it said:

I'm a big fan of passion - both the concept and the experience. I've probably chosen passion as a speaking theme to both teenagers and adults more than any other subject over the last 10 years. I believe that Jesus' promise in John 10:10 - I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full - is one of the most inspiring and wonderful verses in all of Scripture.
But I've come to believe there's a difference between passion and being driven. Passion calls to us; being driven coerces us. Passion seduces us; being driven guilt's us. Passion is invitational; being driven is prescriptive. Passion is inquisitive; being driven is punitive. Passion is full of emotion; being driven is cold and calculating.

And youth workers who embrace a Youth Ministry 3.0 mindset and approach will stop being driven by job descriptions, measurements, buildings, time demands, and Messiah complexes. Instead, we'll slow down enough, deconstruct enough, to be fully present.

First, present to Jesus Christ's activity in our own lives. The nourishment of the soul must become priority number one for youth workers in this new epoch. We simply must stop giving lip service to this while imitating the Road Runner of cartoon fame. (Beep-beep!)

This really spoke to me, especially the imagery of the Road Runner. I am running at break neck speed because I am driven. I am not passionately following - well, maybe sometimes - but mostly I fall into this intensely driven pattern. I resonated with every example of being driven and I longed for every aspect of the passion side. I read these words this morning after making one of those shockingly honest confessions to my wife last night about how my drive and ambition were dragging me down. God certainly knew what I needed to read this morning as I opened my Bible to continue my reading of Mark. In Mark 12, Jesus talks about the greatest commandment - Love God, Love people. Love requires passion. I think theses words are incredibly timely and not just limited to the topic of youth ministry. I want to have my priority number one be to grow in my passion and love of God and His people. Not my driven, cold and calculating schemes. This was an excellent reminder at a critical juncture for me.

We got to Pray just to make it today

Honestly I have been wrestling with the topic of prayer for a long time. It seems to have intensified recently for some strange reason. My struggle with this is why would MC Hammer sing about it? Not really. I have been having difficulty coming to terms with why do we pray. God is going to do what He wants to do after all. Do I think that I can convince Him or coerce Him into doing what I want? Of course not. God knows best - He has an infinite, unchanging perspective where mine is limited and shifts like the wind. I heard somebody say that we pray not to change God's mind but to align our hearts with God. That sounds really profound and like what I am missing but yet I am still not satisfied. I truthfully have had a hard time praying and asking for things lately. Everything seems like something I want and in the back of my mind I think, well you can ask but He's going to do what He's going to do so does it really matter. I am willing to concede this may be one of those, take thought captive kind of moments, where I just need to press through my doubt. And yet I am still not satisfied. I still feel like I am missing something.

Oddly as I have wrestled through this for several months in a very intense way it seems to be preparation for a trial. Isn't it always! Now someone close to me - the closest person to me and the one I cannot imagine life without - needs prayer. They need healing. I have found myself praying earnestly and constantly. Asking for healing, for a miracle, for relief, for strength. Literally feeling like I have to pray just to make it to and through today. I don't know the outcome. I want a miracle. I want a physical healing. I am asking for it. I am begging for it.

I guess it boils down this. I believe God can do all things. I also believe He is going to do what He knows is best. How do I ask for something that I have no idea if it is what is best or not? I want to align my heart for God, but it totally messes with my desire to pray for things. I have read many scriptures - we have not because we ask not - that suggest we do have an impact with our prayers. Not that we change God's mind but somehow the prayers of the saints looses things in a way we cannot begin to understand. My heart and my mind are once again waged in mortal combat. I don't know the answer. I know that in this case there is so much on the line and I am praying, like I have never prayed before. I do pray for healing for my wife. I also pray God would help me to see His hand at work even if it is not in the way I am looking for it. And I pray I can get past this internal struggle of mine. I have got to pray just to make it today.

Impact

Impact is a word I have been hearing a lot of lately because of an initiative at Church. I suppose like anything that is substantial in scope and communication, at times it can become redundant or even annoying. Lately I think I have been slipping into that category a little, maybe feeling a little over exposed. Today we watched a video presentation that has completely reversed my previous thoughts. The video featured people whose lives had been impacted in various ways by Community Christian Church. Other than extreme pride in the body of believers I am associated with, I was struck in 2 ways. The first hit me as I listened to the stories of life change, saved marriages, freedom from addictions, purpose where there had previously been none, and countless other ways. I realized - I am one of those lives impacted. My marriage was delivered from the brink of destruction, my life was freed from total obsession of self, and my children have a father and not a paycheck (although I wish they could have both!). I am a life changed and impacted. I honestly had a hard time keep the tears from coming, as for a brief moment I contemplated where I would be were it not for God getting a hold of my life through Community.

The second impact to me was that I began to realize all the people I have been apart of impacting. I have been blessed to bring care and support to the fatherless, the friendless and the hopeless. Not because I am a great person, anyone that knows me knows that is not the case. But because of the impact to me, I am moved to make an impact. I open myself to Love God and Love Others. I am so blessed. I truly have the greatest job in the world. At times it is hard, so hard. I feel pulled in more directions than physically possible most days, but I can't imagine my life without this. I am impacted and impactful.

A woman came up to some of us staff members afterwards and had not received a copy of the video that was distributed. I reluctantly looked down at the copy I clutched in my hand and gave it over. There are more somewhere I am sure and I will for sure grab one. I can only imagine that she has been as impacted as me and I hope so.

Surprised in a Pleasant Kind Of Way

This weekend was one of those times where I found myself commenting, at least to myself, on several occasions that I was pleasantly surprised. Most of it had to do with things that impacted me more than I had expected. As I sat and reflected on the events in my quiet time, I decided I should document them here. I have battled back and forth about the purpose of this blog. At times it has been used in shameless promotion of ministry related activities or endeavors. Other times it has been an outlet for emotions and feeling that otherwise stay trapped in my mind, like some secret underground cave. Still other times, the blog is merely a dispenser of information, to share with family and friends. In my attempt to over organize everything, that feels messy and inconsistent. Like a singular theme and style should emerge and remain. Of course, the problem with that is that I, as a fallible, inconsistent human, do not remain the same. My moods and needs change, in some cases like the wind.

Anyway - back to this weekend. It is the weekend before the StuCo Fall semester begins. That is always a hectic time and I am always surprised by that, saying oh it's only because of this change or this new role or whatever. The reality is there is always some new wrinkle that adds just a touch more, and surprises me. I also find myself being quite emotional at the outset, because I take time to look forward to all I hope will happen. Backwards glances occur as well, reminding me of all the memories of times past. This years wrinkles are some significant changes such as new day and time, new equipment, new leaders, and other various improvements. There are also some faces that aren't returning, which I will expand on in a moment, but all in all I find myself pleasantly surprised at my optimistic outlook and energetic zeal for this, my third year of ministry.

Another pleasant surprise was the 20th anniversary service for CCC. I did not have much to do with the planning or implementation of it, so I confess to feeling a little disconnected from the whole affair. Not that I needed something else to do, but I just did not really feel this great anticipation. I was excited to go and like so many, wondered who would show. Well, God showed. It was one of those mountain top experiences with God. As someone I saw noted, the music was great, but not our best. The teaching was inspiring, but nothing earth shattering. The weather, which could have been way worse, was not all that pleasant. There were the usual host of glitches and hiccups - none of which really kept anything from actually happening, but provided some awkward pauses. But at the end of the day, in a crowd of as many as 7,000, the significance was God showed up. There were over 100 baptisms - many of which were decisions on the spot. It was incredible. Nick and Tom, both students of mine, were 2 of those decisions. Both amazing stories and awesome to see. At one point I found myself nearly overcome with emotion, which was quite a surprise. For no to low expectations going in, I was sure blown away walking out.

The final day of this long weekend was a trip to a little college in an even littler town. Through a set of odd and seemingly unfortunate circumstances I got to take someone to the beginning of the next chapter in her life. I was apprehensive because I knew it would be an emotional experience, and traditionally I do not handle those the best. I can honestly say that it impacted me way more than I thought it would. As I walked around the small campus I faced the old demon of a lost dream of my own. I had wanted to go to a small Christian college and get a degree preparing me for a life of ministry. I wanted the investment and knowledge and experience that would propel me towards the grand vision I had in my mind. But that dream was never realized. I am so incredible grateful for the opportunities I have in ministry today. I never would have believed this second chance could be a reality. Still, there is a part of me that was incredibly jealous and envious of Erin, and the opportunity ahead of her. But the experience also made me face something else I don't like to admit too often and that is how attached I can get to people sometimes. Originally, my thought was that the return ride home would be a nice chunk of solitude, which I do not get nearly as often as I would like. However, I found that I was mostly lonely on the way home. Realizing that a significant relationship and a person I loved would not be around as much as I desired. I look forward to visits and long phone calls and I am even learning how to web chat, but for a season it will change from what it was. So in a pleasant, but sobering kind of way, I was reminded that I do let people in, even if only occasionally. It is possible and it is good and it does make me better as a result. I cherish the relationships I do have and it reminds me to take advantage of the opportunities I have while I have them. A pleasant reminder I needed. All of that adds up to more emotions than I normally have on any given weekend.

Misc Ramblings

There used to be a monthly article in Road & Track magazine called Misc Ramblings, written by one of the editors, Peter Egan. It truly lived up to it's title, as Egan would share his random thoughts, from topics both serious to trivial. They were insightful, funny, and always entertaining. I miss those articles. I don't really know what happened to the editorial, or the editor for that matter. My magazine allegiance switched to another publication, and so regardless, the relationship ended. And that is really it - it was a relationship. I never met Egan. If I passed him on the street, I would not recognize him, or embrace him as a long lost friend. We were strangers. Yet, I felt I had access to something incredibly private and personal - his misc ramblings.

This goes back several years and so, it was before the craze of "blogging" had really taken off. It seems lately that blogging has given way to status updates and tweets. Our misc ramblings have been reduced to fortune cookie style blurbs, that are delivered at machine gun pace. I confess to being a status update junkie at times, although I have not yet tweeted. I do not want to degrade something I will probable engage in eventually - after all I did not jump on the blogging bandwagon until lately. But here is my thought - recently I had 2 people that I know who started blogging, and I have thoroughly enjoyed their ramblings. Yet another person has the opportunity to actually blog as a money making endeavor about their forthcoming educational experience. I look forward to following her adventures. I guess at the end of the day, I just enjoy writing and reading. I like the glimpse into someones thoughts that I would not benefit from otherwise. And I suppose whether it is done with rapid fire delivery or long deliberate prose, they are still glimpses I would not have otherwise. Communication is changing. We have so many outlets for it these days. There are times where while updating a status or reading statuses, I am chatting online, and texting and usually the TV or music is playing in the background. How much information can 1 person really process?

These are my Misc Ramblings. They are sure to ramble and almost guaranteed to be misc. But they are a glimpse of me. One that you may not have otherwise, and realizations about myself that I might never have had either, were they not to see the light of day.

Timing is Divine

One of my favorite never heard of movies is Noises Off. It is based on a play that is a farcical tale of a stage production gone wrong. The best part of the story is the amazing comedic timing that takes place as things going on back stage inadvertently interact with things going on onstage. It is truly side splitting comedy.

Recently I was thinking about God's timing because it seems so often that I find myself saying how funny God's timing is. This weekend I found myself saying that again. The weekend services were supposed to include testimonies from attenders about different areas where they had to face the fact they couldn't handle it all on their own. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the person who was giving a testimony on Sunday could not on Saturday. So some what last minute I had to fill in. Normally a speaking moment on stage is no biggie for me as I can talk about most anything - exhaustively in fact. However I was faced with the fact that I had to share on a topic I was anything but comfortable talking about. I can handle it all. I don't need help. Never let them see you sweat and all that. At least that's what I tell myself on most days. Sure I could go on stage and say something wise and insightful (that I borrowed from someone wise and insightful) or I could be vulnerable and talk honestly. For some strange reason, I went with the latter. I talked about a particular relational struggle, which basically was an indicator of a larger pattern, of trying to not trust God with my relationships and handle it on my own. It was very difficult for me to talk about that openly, but incredible good timing. I needed that reminder, as I constantly find myself slipping back into that pattern, and repeatedly push away the very people I need. And of course I stop trusting God and His timing.

It strikes me that timing is something that we credit comedians with and good financial planners and athletes, and a host of other things. But we often complain about timing when it comes to God, because He rarely operates by ours. I still find it difficult to really have faith in God's timing. But His timing is Divine because He can see what is going on back stage and onstage and somehow it all works for the best. I need to trust that, and from time to time, I need to be reminded of it.

You cannot share what you do not have

I heard a story shared by Brian Zehr at a meeting a few weeks ago and I find myself repeating the story and pondering it a lot lately so I thought I would share it.

Brian was doing some evangelistic ministry in Daytona Beach one summer. It was very hot and his team had been on the beach for several hours. He decided to break away from the team and take refuge in one of the beach front stores. He picked a t-shirt shop for no other reason than it had A/C. As he stood in the corner basking in the refreshing air, he witnessed a small boy, probable about 10, trying to get the attention of some older boys he was with. Whether they were older siblings or just acquaintances Brian was not sure, but whoever they were doing their best to ignore this young lad. The boy was trying to show them a particularly funny shirt he had found, but no matter how hard he tried they continued their ambivalence. Finally, in defiance the young boy proudly announced he was going to buy this new found treasure. This did get their attention and as the precocious young consumer marched to the counter, the parade of onlookers followed. The proud, soon to be owner, dug through his pockets, pulling out crumpled dollars and miscellaneous coins. The cashier counted his fortunes and announced to the assembled audience he was $2.30 short. The cynical crowd burst forth in laughter and began taunting the boy for his failed transaction. Brian watched for a moment and decided to end the torture and stepped forward. Brian offered to pay the balance. In that moment the boy gazed at Brian as if he was the Savior himself riding on the clouds. The look quickly changed when Brian realized he had left his wallet back on the beach and had no way to rescue the lad.

Brian's application point was you cannot share what you do not have. If you have not structured your life to be generous you will not have it when you need it most. I find myself constantly challenging myself - how can I be more generous? Well, have more to give. I am not blessed with endless riches but what God has given me, whether it be my possessions or my life, I can give it. This has most been applicable in my spiritual life, which is what Brian was challenging us on. If I am not investing in my spiritual life, when I need it most, it will be as absent as Brian's wallet that day. I give from my abundance and my abundance comes from God.