Of dads and daughters

Number 1 daughter and I went out for a dinner to celebrate the beginning of her senior year of high school. These “daddy-daughter dates” are something I always enjoy, but never do as often as I intend. All the more reason to recognize her increasing independence that comes with the home stretch of high school. There were 2 things on my mind as we went about our evening of dining and conversation. First, she is an accomplishment fiend much like I am. She sets goals and achieves them like a sharpened machete cutting through the thickest jungle. As a parent I fall into the trap of praising her for success, but maybe not at other times. The thing I have noticed in my own journey is when your self-worth or significance is tied to the praise you receive for achievement, it becomes the proverbial hamster wheel of self-motivation. So, I wanted my daughter to know I celebrate her hard work and succeeding at a goal, but more importantly I celebrate her as a person separate from the accomplishment. Things will be strived for in life, and at times we will have success, and others we will not. Occasionally we will find something better on the journey to a destination we will never reach. And certainly we will be bitterly disappointed or fail in ways that hurt. But at the end of the day those things are not who we are, but a byproduct of our character. The courage to run the race and try hard and make goals and accept shortcomings is what I admire and appreciate. I love her for her – and not what she amasses in her life’s trophy cases.

The second topic of conversation was my decision to stop something that I have come to realize was shaming. It was not intended as being such, but through discussions with people I respect and opinions I have read, I have realized I was bought into an unhealthy rut of thought. As a dad, my mental age image of my daughter is usually a few years behind reality, and nearly a decade behind her mental image of her own age. This I suspect is as normal as normal can be. However, it gave me license to comment on clothing choices or styles in what may appear a benign way on the surface, but at a deeper level feeds into the misogynistic message that a girls appearance is currency, or that it is her responsibility to control someone else’s morality with her clothing choices. It is a guarantee that some of the styles and quantity of clothing she chooses I will not like, just as my parents did not like some of my styles. I remember wanting a necklace to wear when I was a teen and the response from my father. My discussions with my daughter will not include anything that implies her purity is measured by the apparel she chooses – and that her purity is a commodity to me, as if someday I am going to trade her for 12 goats and a parcel of land. The language I use will also not include the argument that her style choices should be made due to the expectation that members of the opposite sex cannot take responsibility for their own actions, language, and behavior. Her safety and well-being are of my outmost concern and I reserve the right to coach awareness of surroundings and the appropriateness of environment. At the same time I fully expect her to continue to become her own woman and radiate the confidence she should have. She has the right to wear what is comfortable to her within the limits of the law, just as I have the right to risk incarceration for my response to members of my gender who cannot make wise decisions regarding my daughter.

The buffalo steak was a disappointment, but the time spent with an incredible young woman who continues to challenge me is always a delight. I just can’t believe that little bundle of colic rage turned into a senior in high school so fast.