My 80’s hairband youth may come out a bit here, but there was a song by Poison called “Something to Believe In” that always struck a chord with me – musical pun not intended. The reason the song always resonated with me was it spoke to the disappointment of life – when experiences fail to meet expectations. I suspect that this is something I have always struggled with and may always battle against. In my latest bout of therapy, my counselor’s words of wisdom were to “expect less”. Initially my reaction was irritation that I was paying for this advice to be more pessimistic, as if that were even possible. But as we unpacked the layers of expecting less (and I continue to unpack it quite honestly) it became abundantly clear that I am someone who feels disappointment at a very fundamental and personal level. I load the expectation of how I hope things will go or how people will treat me like a fatigued pack animal. And when the burro stumbles and the load falls to the ground, I am so deeply disappointed that often I struggle to go on. The ah-ha moment came when I realized a couple of things - first, I am an ass. I am the overloaded beast of burden, because I have placed impossibly high expectations for comfort, prosperity, personal fulfillment, success in whatever mythological way I have defined it, etc - and that expectation is placed squarely on my own shoulders. The irony is I have not only placed an incredible weight on my own back, but I have also created my own stumbling block by creating a need for an impossible outcome. So, it all comes crashing down, thus affirming whatever suspicion I had about my own inadequacy or how little I am cared about. I don’t reserve this expectation to any one person, thing, or event. Nothing from God, to the relationships in my life, to the weather, or the lottery drawing are immune to my unobtainable expectations. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t know now, the things I didn’t know then” – meaning to me I wish I didn’t have a long resume of disappointment to strengthen my bitterness every time something else doesn’t go my way. Thus I need to expect less. And I need to be happy more - with what I have, or have not, with where I am, or where I am on the way towards (or honestly will never get, like physically fit). I still like the song, because it’s got a catchy tune and 80’s Bret Michael was the shiz, but I no longer am looking for “something” to believe in. Instead I believe in lots of little somethings along the way, some good and some not as much, but all a part of the journey.