And the award goes to...

As a parent you are always watching your kids to try and identify what future profession they may be good at.  The goal is certainly not altruistic – you want them to be productive and leave your house so you can remember them more fondly then they actually are.  Once my kids reached teenager years I started to identify some skills that made me envision them on stage at an awards show receiving their Oscar or Emmy or whatever for best performance.  I envision it going like this – as a nod to my expertise and mastery in parenting, I am given the opportunity to present this prestigious honor.  The famous words leap forth from my proud lips - “the envelope please, for outstanding performance in the category of overacting in the face of looming punishment, Junior Raad!”  Some B roll footage plays in the background of alligator tears and multiple scenes of my offspring on bent knee, tearing at their outer garments as if on fire.  My pride and joy takes the stage triumphantly and we embrace.  The music swells and as we release from our moment I ask, when are you moving out?

You see I have noticed that whenever I confront a child of mine with potential wrong doing, the normally reserved and understated youth will immediately turn up the hysterics to 11 – either choosing for adamant denial, something akin to Jack Nicholson on the stand in a Few Good Men; or self loathing from shame and guilt as if they are Jim Caviezel playing Jesus getting flogged.  Neither of these reactions do anything other than confirm my suspicion of guilt on their part.  I don’t think my desire is any different than any other parent, I just want whatever behavior that is unacceptable to stop.  Punishments are not fun to hand out, speeches are not fun to make, and receiving the death stares that we too delivered to our parents are not pleasant.  They do not bring joy and further reinforce every parents fear that I am indeed no cooler than my own parents were.  In many cases I have less grace and wisdom and in all actuality am just making this shit up as I go. 

In the meantime, I am always on the lookout for potential skill sets to affirm in my kids because I do love them and cherish them.  And of course look forward to remembering them even more fondly, as I hope they will also do regarding my lackluster parenting.