The floodgates have opened

I have often gone through seasons where I feel a little dry spiritually. This is not an uncommon experience, and one that I know many people experience. However, this time the dry spell feels like it has come to an uncommonly abrupt ending. I feel very much like the mosquito in the cartoon - I hit an artery and fear I may explode. Three experiences seem to have catalyzed this avalanche of insight. I attended a day long pre-conference for an organization called Forge. It is an existing organization from Australia that is trying to get started in America. The second was a session with a consulting group called Imago for our student ministry creative team. And finally a week in Florida at the Exponential Conference.

With all of these insights and thoughts floating around in my head, I felt I should start to process some of them. For me I find that writing is often a way for me to begin to put the pieces together. For this session I want to focus on some of the more personal revelations. It began to occur to me several weeks ago that I have become even more task focused and less people focused than I normally am. I am not 100% sure what started it, but it has certainly been confirmed in many different ways. Some of the confirmation has been painful as people close to me have challenged me or shared with me ways in which I have hurt them by my behavior. As I began to examine this I realized that I used my ability to focus on tasks and get things done to cope with the fact that I felt emotionally overwhelmed and relationally drained. It was much easier to just focus on the things I felt I could control. Sadly this created a relational distance and by the time I realized it, the damage was done. And the damage was not just done to those around me, but also to my self. I felt lonely. That is not an emotion I will admit to often. Here are some of the things I have heard recently to confirm this.

I had several people close to me challenge me, saying things like I feel like you keep me at an arms length even while you are asking me not to do that. You are a friend I care about, but lately you have been treating me like an employee. And finding out that somebody who I cared about and who had previously respected me was hurt when I lost my cool and exploded at them. On top of that personal feedback I heard some things that have really given language to what I believe the issue is. One of the quotes that stuck out the most was a question the consultants asked us about our processes and programs, but that I took more personally - is how you are saying things speaking louder than what you are saying? I think I have been saying what I value with my mouth, but my actions have been saying something completely different, much louder. Another phrase was seagull management. Seagull management is when you respond to a situation by swooping in, making a lot of noise, dump on everyone and fly away. I fear I have settled for this style of leadership, only conversing or meeting with people when there was some issue to deal with. In the end all I do is make a tense situation worse. I also heard someone say that our ideology doesn't have much accountability, but our relationships do. I have setted for ideas without relationship. Finally, I attended a workshop led by one of our staff members Brian Zehr. It was entitled "What every follower wants from a leader". I should have known I was in for trouble. Brian explained that after interviewing scores of leaders he was able to develop the top 6 characteristics that every follower wanted to see from their leader. The very first one pierced me right through the heart. It was accessibility. Every follower wants to know their leader is available for them and has time for them.

The interesting thing is through all of this conviction, I don't feel down. I am not sad. I can't say I do not have significant regret for my actions, but I don't feel like I am beating myself up. My typical reaction is to play the bash Tim game, but I know this is conviction from the Holy Spirit, because as hard as it is to hear, I feel oddly positive. I know I can change. I know I have struggled to do things on my own and through my own strength. I feel like God has spoken clearly to me on what to do. I have began the awkward and painful process of meeting individually with people that I know I have hurt, asking for their forgiveness. It's not easy and it's not quick. I also have made a conscious effort to focus more on the people and less on the tasks. Trying to open myself up to people more.

In some ways it is like the change of seasons we are going through. After the long winter it is such a joy to open the windows on those first warm days. A long car ride on a sunny day with the windows down. It is refreshing and life giving. In future posts I hope to unpack some of the thoughts on ministry and the Church, because I feel like as I personally revive I am hearing so much that pertains to how we accomplish the mission of God. But for now this seems a great place to start.