I wonder how many blog entries have started with that phrase or some variation. I wonder, as I sit and ponder, I was thinking, it struck me ....... Is it possible that as a species we think to much? I suppose (another variation) that can not be said of every member of our species. I have met a few that could stand to stop and think a little more - myself included at times. I do think (can't stop now!) that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking. Like somehow if I approach a problem from every conceivable angle a myriad of times then the magical, fix everything solution will present itself and all my struggles will cease (I picture trumpets sounding in that moment) thus ushering in an eternity of peace and tranquility. That sounds ludicrous and not just because it was an abnormally long sentence (it feels like I am over-using parenthesis?). I mean who really believes that.
I do apparently. It's the reason I don't sleep well. I just replay scenarios in my head over and over. I fall asleep quickly because ultimately my problems and/or life is boring but I always wake up and start the mental wrestling match up again. My constant tossing and turning is a real treat to my wife. All part of my endearing charm hon!
The other night I collapsed into bed exhausted as usual. Diabetes is a convenient scapegoat I find for a variety of things like being tired all the time. It's kind of like owning a dog for the sole purpose of having something else to blame your own foul odors on. Kids are good for that too! That felt like a good place for another parenthesis but I resisted (aren't you proud of me).
Anyhoo I could tell my body was exhausted, darn diabetes, but yet my mind was going a million miles an hour. I knew my tossing and turning was going to be Olympics gold medal quality and I became frustrated. It occurred to me (another variation) because I had heard or read it somewhere, that my mental anguishing over things stands in the way of a lot of things and is an implication about how deep my faith is. Now hear me, I have not adopted a hakuna matata*, Joel Olsteen claim it kind of mentality, where as a Christian I shouldn't care about my problems. I think it just kind of clicked with me as I lay there that if I take on the weight of all my problems and all the responsibility for their outcome I am leaving God totally out of it. I am saying it is all up to me to figure it out and then I suppose I let God back in to help give me the strength to engage my plan. My faith should be rooted firmly enough that I can have full awareness of my struggles but know that God is in control. I can rest secure in the knowledge that even when the Utopian circumstances don't occur that my God is in control. He is near to me in the valley of the shadow of death and He welcomes me to the mountain tops equally. This may be a revelation that most people don't get or maybe occurred to them already but in that moment it was more real to me then the pillow my weary, diabetic head rested on. Something, maybe a mustard seed (that was too clever not to use parenthesis), started to grow inside me. It still is diminutive in size but I can feel my reliance on God and how He brings refuge to the downtrodden growing. It's exciting. Dare I say it even gives me hope.
Of course since then I have gone to bed too late and gotten up to early to test my emerging faith and ability to sleep well. I hope to test the theory soon. Maybe even tonight.
*Yes I looked up how to spell it
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