The Apex

What is a disciple?

2010-05-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of the things I have heard lately really have me questioning what really does it mean to disciple someone. I heard a quote that said when the only tool you have is a hammer than everything looks like a nail. I think the church has one tool - it's programming. Suddenly everything has to fit into that. I am not saying programs are bad things, but I think they may be a part of the process and actually a smaller one than we would like to believe. I also heard Reggie McNeal, who actually I think also had the hammer quote, tell a story about flying into his local airport. It is not a nice one and something that he somewhat begrudgingly endures because it is a necessary part of the trip. But here was his point, the airport is not his final destination. He said airports are a part of the process but not the final destination. The airport is something that helps you get where you want to go. He said churches are supposed to be like airports, but sometimes we think we are the final destination.

I seem to be hearing this constant challenge recently that suggests that discipleship is not what I think it is. Oh maybe at some high intellectual level I might philosophize it differently, but they way I act is that is all about butts in seats for programs. Why do I consistently fall into this trap? At another conference a rather wild gentlemen from New Zealand suggested that what we call discipleship is actually just socialization. Here's what he meant - a lot of times we are more concerned with how someone new conforms to our social values such as how we speak or act or look. I am not saying those things are not important at times, but it is not discipleship in the sense that someone is growing closer to God through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

So all of this is stretching my idea of what this discipleship thing should be about. Here is one of the things it is - I forget who said it, but it basically was discipling involves foregoing my right or role as the expert and becoming an encourager for what God is doing in someones life. I think it is messy and involves being ok with it not looking neat or orderly or what I always think it should look like. I am continuing to wrestle with the question. So I wonder, what do you think? What does it mean to disciple?

The floodgates have opened

2010-04-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

I have often gone through seasons where I feel a little dry spiritually. This is not an uncommon experience, and one that I know many people experience. However, this time the dry spell feels like it has come to an uncommonly abrupt ending. I feel very much like the mosquito in the cartoon - I hit an artery and fear I may explode. Three experiences seem to have catalyzed this avalanche of insight. I attended a day long pre-conference for an organization called Forge. It is an existing organization from Australia that is trying to get started in America. The second was a session with a consulting group called Imago for our student ministry creative team. And finally a week in Florida at the Exponential Conference.

With all of these insights and thoughts floating around in my head, I felt I should start to process some of them. For me I find that writing is often a way for me to begin to put the pieces together. For this session I want to focus on some of the more personal revelations. It began to occur to me several weeks ago that I have become even more task focused and less people focused than I normally am. I am not 100% sure what started it, but it has certainly been confirmed in many different ways. Some of the confirmation has been painful as people close to me have challenged me or shared with me ways in which I have hurt them by my behavior. As I began to examine this I realized that I used my ability to focus on tasks and get things done to cope with the fact that I felt emotionally overwhelmed and relationally drained. It was much easier to just focus on the things I felt I could control. Sadly this created a relational distance and by the time I realized it, the damage was done. And the damage was not just done to those around me, but also to my self. I felt lonely. That is not an emotion I will admit to often. Here are some of the things I have heard recently to confirm this.

I had several people close to me challenge me, saying things like I feel like you keep me at an arms length even while you are asking me not to do that. You are a friend I care about, but lately you have been treating me like an employee. And finding out that somebody who I cared about and who had previously respected me was hurt when I lost my cool and exploded at them. On top of that personal feedback I heard some things that have really given language to what I believe the issue is. One of the quotes that stuck out the most was a question the consultants asked us about our processes and programs, but that I took more personally - is how you are saying things speaking louder than what you are saying? I think I have been saying what I value with my mouth, but my actions have been saying something completely different, much louder. Another phrase was seagull management. Seagull management is when you respond to a situation by swooping in, making a lot of noise, dump on everyone and fly away. I fear I have settled for this style of leadership, only conversing or meeting with people when there was some issue to deal with. In the end all I do is make a tense situation worse. I also heard someone say that our ideology doesn't have much accountability, but our relationships do. I have setted for ideas without relationship. Finally, I attended a workshop led by one of our staff members Brian Zehr. It was entitled "What every follower wants from a leader". I should have known I was in for trouble. Brian explained that after interviewing scores of leaders he was able to develop the top 6 characteristics that every follower wanted to see from their leader. The very first one pierced me right through the heart. It was accessibility. Every follower wants to know their leader is available for them and has time for them.

The interesting thing is through all of this conviction, I don't feel down. I am not sad. I can't say I do not have significant regret for my actions, but I don't feel like I am beating myself up. My typical reaction is to play the bash Tim game, but I know this is conviction from the Holy Spirit, because as hard as it is to hear, I feel oddly positive. I know I can change. I know I have struggled to do things on my own and through my own strength. I feel like God has spoken clearly to me on what to do. I have began the awkward and painful process of meeting individually with people that I know I have hurt, asking for their forgiveness. It's not easy and it's not quick. I also have made a conscious effort to focus more on the people and less on the tasks. Trying to open myself up to people more.

In some ways it is like the change of seasons we are going through. After the long winter it is such a joy to open the windows on those first warm days. A long car ride on a sunny day with the windows down. It is refreshing and life giving. In future posts I hope to unpack some of the thoughts on ministry and the Church, because I feel like as I personally revive I am hearing so much that pertains to how we accomplish the mission of God. But for now this seems a great place to start.

Pedal faster!

2010-03-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

For all of my life that I can remember or as long as I can remember people telling stories about me, since I can't remember yesterday most days, I have been a speed freak. It didn't matter if I was on a big wheel, a bike, a go kart, or a car - I wanted to go faster. I seem to lack the internal sense of fear that most normal people have. I remember one visit to Texas. We went out to Brandie's brother Cameron's in-laws house. (I realize that was one of those brother's, cousin's, former roommate kind of comments) Cameron's in-laws had 4 wheelers and a lot of land, which is a pretty darn good combination. They had actually started an orchard on part of the land as an investment type thing. Through the midst of these adolescent pines was a series of trails. Apparently they had mapped out 2 paths through the orchard and out into the pasture, around the barn and back to the starting point. The paths were not identical in size so you started on one and crossed over to the other one, so you each did an equal distant lap of both. So it was a race! This was right up my alley. Cameron challenged me to a race before I could even get out of my car. Far be it from to pass up a race. Having never ridden these particular 4 wheelers or seen this track, I was given a few minutes to acclimate myself to the conditions. I think I may have lost the first race, but then won several in a row after that. Now Cameron had a few pounds on me for sure, but he had driven this track many, many times. The experience of flying through the trees made you feel like you were on the Endor moon in Star Wars. It became clear that I was willing to race through the trees much faster. No sense!

I think for the most part I have always been proud of my speed freakishness. It seemed like a skill I possessed. A strength uncommon to my peers. Something has dawned on me recently, that it is a bit of an addiction. I don't race cars anymore and I miss it terribly. I don't own a fast car and that just pisses me off to be perfectly frank. But I am actually not worried about that part of the addiction. I think I speed through life. I have become addicted to an incredibly hectic pace. Sure I complain about it. Constantly remind people how busy I am, even how put upon I am by the powers that be, but really, it is my own fault. Addicted to speed, addicted to a pace that is far beyond what a reasonable person would subject themselves too. And why? There is the million dollar question. Why? Is it because I am just conditioned to pedal as fast as I can? Am I trying to make up for something? I have often described myself as someone who does not get by on my ability or smarts but by my willingness to work harder than most everyone else. Really? I am addicted to speed. I guess this is something I will continue to wrestle with. For now I think I am willing to admit that it is my own fool self that sets the pace at full throttle all the time. That is a big step for me. I suppose the next step is to find a healthier pace and stop running over people as I pedal my tricycle of life as fast as I can. As I look at this picture of me on the tricycle I realize how crazy I look and I am sure that is how I am seen by many. I am ready to pedal at a different speed for awhile.

Nothing so Passé as a Resolution

2010-01-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

It is traditionally at this time of the Year that I tend to look back and also look forward as so many do. Because I am a task driven, goal oriented person I find a natural proclivity towards resolutions. I have even had a reasonable amount of success in achieving some of them. This goes back probably 10 years or more, but I vowed to read at least 1 book a month for the year since it was something I had long neglected. On that resolution I was a bit of an over-achiever and read closer to 20 books in a year. It was also a habit I was able to keep in practice ever since, although not that many on average usually.

It has become a familiar refrain in my last few blog entries, few and far between though they may be, that a book has sparked a thought on which I choose to ponder. This latest one has to do with the topic of resolutions. Again given my tendency to focus on lists, tasks and goal related accomplishments, I have been very challenged with an idea from a book called "Silent Alarm" by John Blumberg. The main character of the book is challenged with the notion to "redefine your dream. Not of what you will do but of who you will become." This has stuck like a splinter in my mind for weeks and seems like an itch I need to relieve. Most of my resolutions or plans - scratch that, all of them - center around things I feel I need to do, should do, must do. But they are always things I do. In doing those things I may change who I am, but only by accident, not by decisive thought or intention.

Then this morning as I read my Bible, with this haunting refrain echoing in the recesses of my thoughts, I read I Corinthians 13:1 - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." Suddenly clarity is coming to me like the pieces of a puzzle fitting together. I have wondered over and over how do I focus on who I will become instead of what I will do. I recognize the profoundness of that statement and can appreciate how critical a shift it is to make, but I do not know how to do it. I am not sure that I understand it fully, but as I read that passage from I Corinthians I think that love has a lot to do with it. My predominant motivation is not love. It is usually self promotion, self preservation or some other self initiated intention. I think that I am a gong and a clanging symbol. Maybe a well organized, orderly one, but all that means is that people know what time to expect the useless noise.

So, my journey this year is to Redefine My Dream. Not of what I will do in 2010 but of who I will become. Who is the person that God wants me to be? What qualities mark the man, not what activities. I think the first one is Love.

Finally, Don't be Driven

2009-11-02T06:14:00.001-08:00

I sometimes wonder if the people around me get tired of hearing "So I am reading this book." But I truly believe that reading is an invaluable asset. As I wandered into the office/den/cave at home, my son looked up from his cartoon intoxication and asked why we had so many books. He, like my daughter, is a pretty avid reader. Although he is more into video games than anything. Anyway, it is a common theme. I read way less than a lot of my friends and colleagues, but I just finished reading "Youth Ministry 3.0 - A Manifesto of where we've been, where we are and where we need to go." It is a somewhat unlikely read for me, in that it is a youth ministry specific book and one of a select few I have read. I found it really challenging as it talked about the authors perspective on where we have been and currently are in youth ministry. The emergence of an adolescent culture is a recent phenomenon, in the last century, and all indications are that the period of time attributed to this "transitionary" phase of life is increasing. All of this was interesting and challenged me, but it was when I got to one of the last sections that I found my most significant and intensely personal lessons. It was entitled "Finally, Don't be Driven." I would like to quote some of this small, yet impactful section because it meant so much to me. Here is what it said:

I'm a big fan of passion - both the concept and the experience. I've probably chosen passion as a speaking theme to both teenagers and adults more than any other subject over the last 10 years. I believe that Jesus' promise in John 10:10 - I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full - is one of the most inspiring and wonderful verses in all of Scripture.
But I've come to believe there's a difference between passion and being driven. Passion calls to us; being driven coerces us. Passion seduces us; being driven guilt's us. Passion is invitational; being driven is prescriptive. Passion is inquisitive; being driven is punitive. Passion is full of emotion; being driven is cold and calculating.

And youth workers who embrace a Youth Ministry 3.0 mindset and approach will stop being driven by job descriptions, measurements, buildings, time demands, and Messiah complexes. Instead, we'll slow down enough, deconstruct enough, to be fully present.

First, present to Jesus Christ's activity in our own lives. The nourishment of the soul must become priority number one for youth workers in this new epoch. We simply must stop giving lip service to this while imitating the Road Runner of cartoon fame. (Beep-beep!)

This really spoke to me, especially the imagery of the Road Runner. I am running at break neck speed because I am driven. I am not passionately following - well, maybe sometimes - but mostly I fall into this intensely driven pattern. I resonated with every example of being driven and I longed for every aspect of the passion side. I read these words this morning after making one of those shockingly honest confessions to my wife last night about how my drive and ambition were dragging me down. God certainly knew what I needed to read this morning as I opened my Bible to continue my reading of Mark. In Mark 12, Jesus talks about the greatest commandment - Love God, Love people. Love requires passion. I think theses words are incredibly timely and not just limited to the topic of youth ministry. I want to have my priority number one be to grow in my passion and love of God and His people. Not my driven, cold and calculating schemes. This was an excellent reminder at a critical juncture for me.

We got to Pray just to make it today

2009-10-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Honestly I have been wrestling with the topic of prayer for a long time. It seems to have intensified recently for some strange reason. My struggle with this is why would MC Hammer sing about it? Not really. I have been having difficulty coming to terms with why do we pray. God is going to do what He wants to do after all. Do I think that I can convince Him or coerce Him into doing what I want? Of course not. God knows best - He has an infinite, unchanging perspective where mine is limited and shifts like the wind. I heard somebody say that we pray not to change God's mind but to align our hearts with God. That sounds really profound and like what I am missing but yet I am still not satisfied. I truthfully have had a hard time praying and asking for things lately. Everything seems like something I want and in the back of my mind I think, well you can ask but He's going to do what He's going to do so does it really matter. I am willing to concede this may be one of those, take thought captive kind of moments, where I just need to press through my doubt. And yet I am still not satisfied. I still feel like I am missing something.

Oddly as I have wrestled through this for several months in a very intense way it seems to be preparation for a trial. Isn't it always! Now someone close to me - the closest person to me and the one I cannot imagine life without - needs prayer. They need healing. I have found myself praying earnestly and constantly. Asking for healing, for a miracle, for relief, for strength. Literally feeling like I have to pray just to make it to and through today. I don't know the outcome. I want a miracle. I want a physical healing. I am asking for it. I am begging for it.

I guess it boils down this. I believe God can do all things. I also believe He is going to do what He knows is best. How do I ask for something that I have no idea if it is what is best or not? I want to align my heart for God, but it totally messes with my desire to pray for things. I have read many scriptures - we have not because we ask not - that suggest we do have an impact with our prayers. Not that we change God's mind but somehow the prayers of the saints looses things in a way we cannot begin to understand. My heart and my mind are once again waged in mortal combat. I don't know the answer. I know that in this case there is so much on the line and I am praying, like I have never prayed before. I do pray for healing for my wife. I also pray God would help me to see His hand at work even if it is not in the way I am looking for it. And I pray I can get past this internal struggle of mine. I have got to pray just to make it today.

Impact

2009-09-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Impact is a word I have been hearing a lot of lately because of an initiative at Church. I suppose like anything that is substantial in scope and communication, at times it can become redundant or even annoying. Lately I think I have been slipping into that category a little, maybe feeling a little over exposed. Today we watched a video presentation that has completely reversed my previous thoughts. The video featured people whose lives had been impacted in various ways by Community Christian Church. Other than extreme pride in the body of believers I am associated with, I was struck in 2 ways. The first hit me as I listened to the stories of life change, saved marriages, freedom from addictions, purpose where there had previously been none, and countless other ways. I realized - I am one of those lives impacted. My marriage was delivered from the brink of destruction, my life was freed from total obsession of self, and my children have a father and not a paycheck (although I wish they could have both!). I am a life changed and impacted. I honestly had a hard time keep the tears from coming, as for a brief moment I contemplated where I would be were it not for God getting a hold of my life through Community.

The second impact to me was that I began to realize all the people I have been apart of impacting. I have been blessed to bring care and support to the fatherless, the friendless and the hopeless. Not because I am a great person, anyone that knows me knows that is not the case. But because of the impact to me, I am moved to make an impact. I open myself to Love God and Love Others. I am so blessed. I truly have the greatest job in the world. At times it is hard, so hard. I feel pulled in more directions than physically possible most days, but I can't imagine my life without this. I am impacted and impactful.

A woman came up to some of us staff members afterwards and had not received a copy of the video that was distributed. I reluctantly looked down at the copy I clutched in my hand and gave it over. There are more somewhere I am sure and I will for sure grab one. I can only imagine that she has been as impacted as me and I hope so.

Surprised in a Pleasant Kind Of Way

2009-09-09T05:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend was one of those times where I found myself commenting, at least to myself, on several occasions that I was pleasantly surprised. Most of it had to do with things that impacted me more than I had expected. As I sat and reflected on the events in my quiet time, I decided I should document them here. I have battled back and forth about the purpose of this blog. At times it has been used in shameless promotion of ministry related activities or endeavors. Other times it has been an outlet for emotions and feeling that otherwise stay trapped in my mind, like some secret underground cave. Still other times, the blog is merely a dispenser of information, to share with family and friends. In my attempt to over organize everything, that feels messy and inconsistent. Like a singular theme and style should emerge and remain. Of course, the problem with that is that I, as a fallible, inconsistent human, do not remain the same. My moods and needs change, in some cases like the wind.

Anyway - back to this weekend. It is the weekend before the StuCo Fall semester begins. That is always a hectic time and I am always surprised by that, saying oh it's only because of this change or this new role or whatever. The reality is there is always some new wrinkle that adds just a touch more, and surprises me. I also find myself being quite emotional at the outset, because I take time to look forward to all I hope will happen. Backwards glances occur as well, reminding me of all the memories of times past. This years wrinkles are some significant changes such as new day and time, new equipment, new leaders, and other various improvements. There are also some faces that aren't returning, which I will expand on in a moment, but all in all I find myself pleasantly surprised at my optimistic outlook and energetic zeal for this, my third year of ministry.

Another pleasant surprise was the 20th anniversary service for CCC. I did not have much to do with the planning or implementation of it, so I confess to feeling a little disconnected from the whole affair. Not that I needed something else to do, but I just did not really feel this great anticipation. I was excited to go and like so many, wondered who would show. Well, God showed. It was one of those mountain top experiences with God. As someone I saw noted, the music was great, but not our best. The teaching was inspiring, but nothing earth shattering. The weather, which could have been way worse, was not all that pleasant. There were the usual host of glitches and hiccups - none of which really kept anything from actually happening, but provided some awkward pauses. But at the end of the day, in a crowd of as many as 7,000, the significance was God showed up. There were over 100 baptisms - many of which were decisions on the spot. It was incredible. Nick and Tom, both students of mine, were 2 of those decisions. Both amazing stories and awesome to see. At one point I found myself nearly overcome with emotion, which was quite a surprise. For no to low expectations going in, I was sure blown away walking out.

The final day of this long weekend was a trip to a little college in an even littler town. Through a set of odd and seemingly unfortunate circumstances I got to take someone to the beginning of the next chapter in her life. I was apprehensive because I knew it would be an emotional experience, and traditionally I do not handle those the best. I can honestly say that it impacted me way more than I thought it would. As I walked around the small campus I faced the old demon of a lost dream of my own. I had wanted to go to a small Christian college and get a degree preparing me for a life of ministry. I wanted the investment and knowledge and experience that would propel me towards the grand vision I had in my mind. But that dream was never realized. I am so incredible grateful for the opportunities I have in ministry today. I never would have believed this second chance could be a reality. Still, there is a part of me that was incredibly jealous and envious of Erin, and the opportunity ahead of her. But the experience also made me face something else I don't like to admit too often and that is how attached I can get to people sometimes. Originally, my thought was that the return ride home would be a nice chunk of solitude, which I do not get nearly as often as I would like. However, I found that I was mostly lonely on the way home. Realizing that a significant relationship and a person I loved would not be around as much as I desired. I look forward to visits and long phone calls and I am even learning how to web chat, but for a season it will change from what it was. So in a pleasant, but sobering kind of way, I was reminded that I do let people in, even if only occasionally. It is possible and it is good and it does make me better as a result. I cherish the relationships I do have and it reminds me to take advantage of the opportunities I have while I have them. A pleasant reminder I needed. All of that adds up to more emotions than I normally have on any given weekend.

Misc Ramblings

2009-09-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

There used to be a monthly article in Road & Track magazine called Misc Ramblings, written by one of the editors, Peter Egan. It truly lived up to it's title, as Egan would share his random thoughts, from topics both serious to trivial. They were insightful, funny, and always entertaining. I miss those articles. I don't really know what happened to the editorial, or the editor for that matter. My magazine allegiance switched to another publication, and so regardless, the relationship ended. And that is really it - it was a relationship. I never met Egan. If I passed him on the street, I would not recognize him, or embrace him as a long lost friend. We were strangers. Yet, I felt I had access to something incredibly private and personal - his misc ramblings.

This goes back several years and so, it was before the craze of "blogging" had really taken off. It seems lately that blogging has given way to status updates and tweets. Our misc ramblings have been reduced to fortune cookie style blurbs, that are delivered at machine gun pace. I confess to being a status update junkie at times, although I have not yet tweeted. I do not want to degrade something I will probable engage in eventually - after all I did not jump on the blogging bandwagon until lately. But here is my thought - recently I had 2 people that I know who started blogging, and I have thoroughly enjoyed their ramblings. Yet another person has the opportunity to actually blog as a money making endeavor about their forthcoming educational experience. I look forward to following her adventures. I guess at the end of the day, I just enjoy writing and reading. I like the glimpse into someones thoughts that I would not benefit from otherwise. And I suppose whether it is done with rapid fire delivery or long deliberate prose, they are still glimpses I would not have otherwise. Communication is changing. We have so many outlets for it these days. There are times where while updating a status or reading statuses, I am chatting online, and texting and usually the TV or music is playing in the background. How much information can 1 person really process?

These are my Misc Ramblings. They are sure to ramble and almost guaranteed to be misc. But they are a glimpse of me. One that you may not have otherwise, and realizations about myself that I might never have had either, were they not to see the light of day.

Timing is Divine

2009-08-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite never heard of movies is Noises Off. It is based on a play that is a farcical tale of a stage production gone wrong. The best part of the story is the amazing comedic timing that takes place as things going on back stage inadvertently interact with things going on onstage. It is truly side splitting comedy.

Recently I was thinking about God's timing because it seems so often that I find myself saying how funny God's timing is. This weekend I found myself saying that again. The weekend services were supposed to include testimonies from attenders about different areas where they had to face the fact they couldn't handle it all on their own. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the person who was giving a testimony on Sunday could not on Saturday. So some what last minute I had to fill in. Normally a speaking moment on stage is no biggie for me as I can talk about most anything - exhaustively in fact. However I was faced with the fact that I had to share on a topic I was anything but comfortable talking about. I can handle it all. I don't need help. Never let them see you sweat and all that. At least that's what I tell myself on most days. Sure I could go on stage and say something wise and insightful (that I borrowed from someone wise and insightful) or I could be vulnerable and talk honestly. For some strange reason, I went with the latter. I talked about a particular relational struggle, which basically was an indicator of a larger pattern, of trying to not trust God with my relationships and handle it on my own. It was very difficult for me to talk about that openly, but incredible good timing. I needed that reminder, as I constantly find myself slipping back into that pattern, and repeatedly push away the very people I need. And of course I stop trusting God and His timing.

It strikes me that timing is something that we credit comedians with and good financial planners and athletes, and a host of other things. But we often complain about timing when it comes to God, because He rarely operates by ours. I still find it difficult to really have faith in God's timing. But His timing is Divine because He can see what is going on back stage and onstage and somehow it all works for the best. I need to trust that, and from time to time, I need to be reminded of it.

You cannot share what you do not have

2009-08-04T06:26:00.000-07:00

I heard a story shared by Brian Zehr at a meeting a few weeks ago and I find myself repeating the story and pondering it a lot lately so I thought I would share it.

Brian was doing some evangelistic ministry in Daytona Beach one summer. It was very hot and his team had been on the beach for several hours. He decided to break away from the team and take refuge in one of the beach front stores. He picked a t-shirt shop for no other reason than it had A/C. As he stood in the corner basking in the refreshing air, he witnessed a small boy, probable about 10, trying to get the attention of some older boys he was with. Whether they were older siblings or just acquaintances Brian was not sure, but whoever they were doing their best to ignore this young lad. The boy was trying to show them a particularly funny shirt he had found, but no matter how hard he tried they continued their ambivalence. Finally, in defiance the young boy proudly announced he was going to buy this new found treasure. This did get their attention and as the precocious young consumer marched to the counter, the parade of onlookers followed. The proud, soon to be owner, dug through his pockets, pulling out crumpled dollars and miscellaneous coins. The cashier counted his fortunes and announced to the assembled audience he was $2.30 short. The cynical crowd burst forth in laughter and began taunting the boy for his failed transaction. Brian watched for a moment and decided to end the torture and stepped forward. Brian offered to pay the balance. In that moment the boy gazed at Brian as if he was the Savior himself riding on the clouds. The look quickly changed when Brian realized he had left his wallet back on the beach and had no way to rescue the lad.

Brian's application point was you cannot share what you do not have. If you have not structured your life to be generous you will not have it when you need it most. I find myself constantly challenging myself - how can I be more generous? Well, have more to give. I am not blessed with endless riches but what God has given me, whether it be my possessions or my life, I can give it. This has most been applicable in my spiritual life, which is what Brian was challenging us on. If I am not investing in my spiritual life, when I need it most, it will be as absent as Brian's wallet that day. I give from my abundance and my abundance comes from God.

New attempt at an old challenge

2009-07-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

Ironically as I searched for an image to upload for this blog I came across this comic. And as a side note, be careful what you type into a search engine - I would not have guessed fat people exercising would include fat, naked people exercising. Yikes!

This isn't some blog about taking up an exercising or weight loss challenge. If I want to loose weight, I will just go on the Philippines Granola Bar diet again. No, this is about a challenge that is probably as abused and neglected as regular exercise, but one that is even more life giving. I resonate with the cartoon in that it says 1 hour of exercise or 24 hours of death. I truly feel like I have been experiencing a death of sorts spiritually. The more I get refilled and refreshed, the emptier I realize I was. The challenge was to read the Bible regularly, specifically the Gospels. It was recently brought up to our staff. Now I am sure most people would think you would not have to challenge career ministry people with regular Bible reading, but in my case at least, it was a much needed challenge. I had not made that a regular part of my routine for a very long time. It is so easy to say, oh I am reading and researching for this message or this small group discussion. Or I am reading these books that make me a better leader and they have Bible principles in them. The challenge was a somewhat familiar one - read through the Gospels like you have never read them before. Fresh eyes, new questions, brand new insights. Easier said than done, but I decided after all that I have been through lately I needed it. So this was my challenge and I can honestly say it has been amazing. The thing that has struck me the most is that when you are dry spiritually for a long time, it's hard to quantify how dry you are until you start to get filled again. I was way more dry than I ever imagined. In fact, right now in this moment I had to stop to repent of that again. It is hard for me to admit how low I allowed myself to get. All with good intentions of course - I am working hard, I am doing too much but it is for good causes. I will take time to rest and refresh later. Ironically, I think it is because of my dryness that I was able to really look into the pages of my Bible with new eyes. I have come up with lots of questions. I have noticed things I never noticed before. I have been reminded of a great deal. Like this morning, I read in Matthew about the crowd feedings Jesus did. I never knew that Matthew was not written chronologically. He, being an accountant and probably into seeing things orderly on a page, organized his Gospel into categories. So miracles are with miracles, parables with parables and so on. So as I was reading in Matthew I came across the crowd feedings. Only Matthew and Mark talk about feeding the 5,000 and the 4,000. In Mark, they are separated by a full chapter but in Matthew they are relatively close - at the end of chapter 14 and chapter 15 - in fact, they are on the same page in my Bible. More importantly than my discovery on the organizational pattern of the Gospels was how it struck me, in Matthew right after seeing Jesus feed the 5,000, the disciples can't believe He could turn around and feed 1,000 less people. Of course that is not the accurate count of total people as they only counted dudes, but if I read Matthew and think it's chronological, I can kind of write it off as the disciples were just really dense individuals. When I consider that these events may have been separated by a more considerable time than it takes me to read down the page, it takes on new perspective. Especially when I think about my own experiences. I have seen God do some pretty miraculous things, yet somehow when the challenges of life rise up, I shrink back and become anxious. How can I possible get through this? Specifically, the financial challenge monster raised his ugly head in my house again recently. How will we pay the bills? Where will we find provision? I know when I start to eye the convenience stores on the way to work to figure out which one would be the the lucky place to buy my lottery tickets, I am getting desperate. I loose sleep and my thoughts become dominated by monetary pressures. Yet like the Disciples, I have seen much greater things than this. And like the Disciples my first reaction is to look at how little I have in my hands at that moment. God says it is exactly how little you have that will show how great I am. So this morning as I was rejoicing about God coming through again for me, I read that story. I realized how I am at least as dense as the Disciples (not that they are bad company to be in mind you). God has come through and no I didn't win the lottery. Never did buy my tickets, although that one 7-11 was looking pretty lucky. God came through in an unexpected way and proved how great He is.

I am enjoying the challenge right now. I am sure my resolve will be tested but it has been great to start down the road to replenishing my spirit. I can tell in my interactions with people and in my opportunities to minister that things are flowing out of me that weren't there before. I find myself seeking out those opportunities rather than shrinking back from them.

So what is your old challenge waiting for you to take another shot at?

Like Sands through the Hourglass

2009-07-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

This week I passed the milestone of 37. That sounds suspiciously close to 40 but I think I can hold it off a little while longer. Normally, I become very melancholic around birthdays. The correction my wife made last night was that I become more melancholic. Apparently I am a real gas to be around. I think that the reason birthdays have always gotten me down is because it always leads me to look back at the previous year. For me that usually coincides with regret for the dumb things done or items never accomplished. I have always been my own worst critic and so looks backwards are usually full of my own disappointments. Charming, I know. This year I seem to be in a different place in large part due to the toll this last year has taken on me. I struggled all year with not allowing my strength to come from God and instead took it all upon myself. This pushed me to the brink of burn out. Now I feel as if I have been led to the water and shown how to drink. My soul is no longer weary and thirsty. And so for the first time in a long time I find myself at birthday time not looking backwards with regret but gazing forward with anticipation. All of the same challenges of last week are still present. A birthday is in fact just that - a day. A day like any other, except maybe some people are a little nicer to you I suppose. Oh and you usually get to pick what you want to eat. That alone is worth it! I had Sonic. Come to think of it, the Sonic opening by my house the day before my birthday is quite a present indeed, and that may be the cause of my new found optimism. Nah - we will just call that gravy. I digress. I do look forward to 37 because I feel like some valuable lessons have been learned and this next year will be different, even though many of the challenging circumstances of life remain. My outlook is different. I am not looking through the lens of all the things Tim can't do, but looking through the new perspective of how much God can do if I let Him. So to 36 I say farewell, it was quite the journey. To 37 I say BRING IT!

Dunk Tanks & other random experiences

2009-07-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

So a couple of random experiences lately have led me to unexpected thoughts. The first was my participation in the annual Shorewood Campus picnic dunk tank. I am not a fan of dunk tanks. In fact I would go so far as to say I hate them. It seemed, even to me, to be an abnormal level of passion for something as benign as a dunk tank. Certainly there are better times to be had, but why my level of dis-taste. During the forceful submersion there is not much time for introspection and reflection but later curled up in the fetal position, I pondered. I often do my best pondering in that position. The conclusion I have come to in my best armchair psychology is that is has to do with vulnerability. It is a unique sensation sitting there quivering on the thin little plank. It is as Bill Cosby once stated a unique experience to realize the muscles on your back side have way more capability than you imagine. As I gripped the flat board with my caboose waiting for the plunge into the icy waters I realized I too could do amazing things in a pinch (literally). And I am not exaggerating, my blessed colleagues filled the water with ice. This is a tradition I have experienced every time I had to be in the dunk tank. After regaining the sense of feeling back to my extremities I realized that the vulnerability of sitting there totally helpless is not appealing to me at all. I do not like vulnerability especially when it is forced upon me. In fact I suspect I go out of my way to avoid it most of the time. Sad commentary indeed.

The other experience was participating in the annual StuCo Golf Challenge. Participating is not really an accurate word. I did not golf. I do not golf. It was in fact my first time on a golf course. I helped with some administration details and just general running around stuff. It appealed to me initially since my job was to drive a golf cart around most of the day. This was more enjoyable to me than my passengers I suspect. Any motorized vehicle in an environment with limited traffic requirements or laws is entertaining and brings out my inner Mario Andretti. My only attempts at the "sport" of golf was 2 trips to the driving range in high school PE and 1 trip to an indoor golf facility where you tee off into a screen. Sadly my club went farther than my ball so my golfing career ended shortly after beginning. I took that opportunity to ingest copious amounts of appetizers and beverages. So I thought maybe on this beautiful course on a perfect weather day I would find inspiration for the "sport" of golf. I keep putting the word "sport" in quotations because of my disregard for golf as a sport. I can honestly say that I have found no love for golf. Although golf carts are very entertaining right up until they break. I also feel there is a hidden metaphor in golf that may explain my disdain much like dunk tanks. In golf you muster all your strength to launch a ball as far as possible only to chase after it and hit again. Eventually you place the ball in a cup and the process begins again. In life I feel I inadvertently hit things away only to have to chase them down again and I repeat this cycle again and again. For me, golf is not a "sport". It is too much like failed patterns of life. So sadly I have not found a recreational outlet in golf. The search continues - but not really.

These are my random thoughts for today. Stay tuned - much more randomness to follow.

Thanks!

2009-06-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

I have heard from way more people than I expected that they were following my blog entries from the trip. All I can say is thanks! Thank you for your kind words, thank you for praying for me while I was there, and thank you for allowing me to feel the connection with home through the blog.

It's interesting how the impact of the trip doesn't seem to end with coming home. I find myself battling some of the anger, frustration and even depression that Bob warned the students about. I, somewhat naively, thought I was immune to that. Admittedly, I have enjoyed many meals out since returning home and I have also enjoyed my well stocked pantry with all of my favorite foods (thanks honey!). But somehow even as I enjoy those things, and try to regain weight above my new all time adult low, I feel this pit in my stomach that has nothing to do with hunger. I am struggling to reconcile where I have been and what I have seen, with what my life has become. Even now, as I face the financial uncertainty to stay in ministry, I am battling my desire (that I often misinterpret as need) for comfort. It is so ingrained in me that I cannot seem to release these shackles around my ankles. But yet, I have been changed, at least in my heart. However my heart and my head have long been in conflict. Too often in my life my head has won the battle at the expense of my heart.

I was contacted by someone who was one of the unexpected blog faithful while I was gone. They were simple sharing that they were now asking themselves what is next. I didn't share insights because honestly I had none, and couldn't imagine being so hypocritical to suggest steps for them, when my own are so unclear. I find myself in the uncomfortable position of trusting God completely and totally without being able to see what is ahead. My heart is ready but my mind is screaming no. The conflict rages on.

Jet Lag has proven to be one of those things that I doubted really existed but is all to real. Finally I have started to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time, but I still feel like the plane we took on the way back landed on me. It's funny how, now, everyone tells me how many weeks - not days! - it took them to feel normal after such long travels. I think I am starting to see why so many of the students are planning return visits. It gives you something to put the anxious energy towards, instead of trying to just reconcile a wasteful life here. I have never been so angry about garbage before. I watch in horror, how the family garbage accumulates on a daily basis. Wow! I am truly a crabby person these days.

Anyway - just meant to say thanks. I guess all the rest is just extra. I dare not make any commitments to future blog entry quality or frequency. Let's just chalk it up to a special couple of weeks.

Day 14

2009-06-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a travel day. We awoke at 3am to get everything together and loaded up. The mood was somber to say the least. The van I was to ride in on the 2 hour ride to the airport had an A/C failure at start up. I felt it a fitting goodbye. I gazed at the scenery that is so foreign it might as well be another planet. Even at this incredible early hour the streets are packed with people and traffic. That is the one thing I cannot get over, is the shear mass of humanity in the Philippines. It is just dumbfounding. The ride was uneventful. I was happy for my last can of Pepsi Light (a poor substitute for my beloved Diet Pepsi). I cleaned out 2 of the stores we stopped at for drinks frequently, so I took pride in the fact I had single handily depressed the diet pop market.

We arrived at the Manila airport to another mass of bodies. After a couple of hiccups (I hope to reunite with my suitcase again someday) we cleared the check in counter and proceeded to the gate. We boarded the plane. Much to my delight I discovered I was seated on the upper deck. There was nothing fancier up there but I had never been on the upper deck of a plane so I thought it was cool. After eating or rather avoiding Filipino food for 2 weeks the airplane food seemed amazingly good. How the mighty have fallen! Speaking of food - I know I had promised to stop my culinary critics but this is good one - I discovered why the Filipino spaghetti tastes so weird. For dinner last night we joined the Pessina's at their house while the students chowed in our normal mess area. Winnie Pessina made spaghetti. Now I am no fan of spaghetti back home but Filipino Spaghetti is a whole new kind of dislike for me. And it is the most frequent thing we got next to white rice. I think it was my 4th or 5th day in a row to see spaghetti with a meal. Filipino spaghetti sauce is a very pale, sweet sauce and has strange ingredients such as carrots and even pieces of hot dog. Mrs. Pessina proudly announced she had made real American spaghetti and sure enough it was, complete with meatballs! I asked what made the Filipino spaghetti so different. Banana Ketchup. That would explain it.

The flight was uneventful which is my word of the day. When you are traveling internationally - uneventful is very good. We arrived to Narita airport and started the process of clearing customs and getting bags. Most of our checked bags are supposedly going through to Chicago so we did not get them. I hope I see it again someday! The critical detail of which hotel the airline was putting us up was a mystery for awhile but some clever detective work paid off and we were on our way. The hotel is nice and has free Internet (obviously!). We discovered there was a free van into the downtown part of Narita - Tokyo is actually about an hour away so was out of the question. We made our way to the McDonald's for a quick meal and then some sight-seeing. Well McDonald's in Narita does not take credit cards. Thus began an epic search for an Americano friendly cash station. Let me tell you the experience of being in a foreign country where few people speak the language, signs are all gibberish, and people don't really like you based on what nationality you are - well, it's not so fun. We parked everyone in McDonald's and Bob,Bobby,Jeff Rice and I set off in search of money. Finally because Jeff Rice makes friends in a nano second we found some sympathetic co-patriots that clued us in to the fact that 7-11 was the only cash station that would work. Truly it was oh thank heaven for 7-11! The thought of return to our rag-tag, starving crew empty handed was terrifying. I pictured Garrett with packets of barbecue sauce, fork and knife in hand, glaring at me like the Christmas Goose. We feasted on McDonald's. Afterwards I enjoyed the bliss that is a heated toilet seat. I will not go into graphic detail other than to say the McDonald's toilet seats have more features than my car at home. Both the before and after experience at McDonald's was delightful.

Now I am back at the hotel. Tomorrow morning is going to be a long day as I will travel all day and get home in the morning which means I will be up for nearly 24 hours before I next see a bed.

It has been an amazingly impactful and amazingly difficult trip for me. I don't want to rush to come to any conclusions yet about what all this trip was about for me. I think some of that is yet to be worked out. I just know tomorrow I get to see my family and that is about the best thing I can think of right now. I plan on hibernating for a few days before I jump back into the grind. Thanks for following along and all the nice comments I have received. I hope this journey of mine has been a blessing to you and causes you to ask the question of what is next for you like I am asking myself. God Bless. I hope to share the stories and pictures with you in person very soon.

Lucky Day 13

2009-06-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Day 13, which was our last full day in the Philippines, was anything but lucky. We were supposed to go out and help with the construction of the homes at Baloc for the 5 families that are being relocated from the dump. You may recall my early post about how for somewhere around $1000-$1200 a house is being constructed for families that are currently leaving in the dump site in absolutely filthy conditions. They have to make the payments of about $70 a month after that. It was another scorcher day. Bob and Vicky had to run into San Pablo to take care of some business and that ran late. We were just loading up to leave when our lunch came out so we quick sat down for some food. After eating we drove out to the site but could not find the homes. Suddenly the truck started acting up and actually overheated on the side of the road. To properly understand this, you must realize the way the Filipino's drive makes me look like an old woman. So being on the side of the road as the kamikaze drivers whizzed by was exciting to say the least. Finally one of the drivers from the camp came to our rescue. After getting the truck resuscitated we eventually found the construction site and got to see the houses being built. The entire house is about the size of one room in my townhouse yet it is an incredible blessing to the people that will be moving in, hopefully in a few weeks.

After seeing the homes we went into town to take care of some errands and headed back to Santa Nino. The dark cloud of dread of the last night get together at FTC was starting to descend. Many of the students were already getting very emotional at the thought of saying goodbye to the kids. On the ride over to Santissimo the tears were flowing. We got out of the truck to find many of the FTC kids in the exact same state. I talked for quite a bit with a girl name Krishelle. She is slender girl with a huge smile and coy eyes. She somehow exudes shyness yet fierceness all at the same time. She seemed especially sad and I was somewhat taken back by the fact that she was expressing it to me. I am really amazed how fast these kids make connections. They are so hungry for tenderness and love because of the backgrounds they come from. For someone who is not used to giving of myself in an emotional way so freely it is a little unnerving. I used the opportunity to share some ICNU stuff with her and give her my motto of Students are the Most Powerful Force on the Planet. I told her that her story was an inspiration to me and others back home and that I was going to continue to share the story of FTC. We all get discouraged at times and can fall victim to the thought that what we do does not matter. Even contemplate giving up, but I told her that what they do at FTC does matter, and it does affect far more people than they realize. They are an inspiration because they have taken the opportunities God has provided and even against remarkable odds have pulled themselves up by the boot straps. I told Krishelle how impressed I was at how the FTC kids were involved in the youth services and the adult services and how they were being the most powerful force by influencing so many people. It was a cool moment, I think for both of us.

The night went on with some games that combined Americano's with Filipino's. It was a ton of fun even for a non-game guy like me. The pinnacle of the evening was a massive cake fight. Most of us were covered in cake from the shoulders up. I can't wait to see the pictures! Our students exchanged letters with the kids and most of the kids responded with letters to the students. I was quite shocked to receive a few myself. Finally, the time came for us to leave. Bob knew that this moment could linger all night long so he devised a plan to line up all the FTC kids on the way to the truck. Our students would go down the line and hug all the kids and say goodbye. Let me tell you the Wailing Wall had nothing on this firing squad of a line. I followed the last of the students down the line. I was deeply touched by some of the hugs and tears from the kids I had connected with. Even for me it was deeply emotional. Krishelle gave me a huge hug and started sobbing. She ran off to her room and caught me before I got in the truck and gave me a beautiful picture of herself on a decorated piece of paper. I can't wait to get home and email her a picture of me and my family. It will be exciting to hear updates about her and Babilynn, Jesalyn, Lonnie, Bam-bam, Peter, Rowland, Jefferson, and all the other ones I got to know.

Luckily, I convinced Debbie to let me ride in the cab of the truck on the way back to Santa Nino so I didn't have to hear Sob-a-poluza in the back of the truck. It was now time to pack up and get ready to pull out at 4am. Some of the students stayed up all night ,some of us slept for a few hours. The trip had finally come to an end. Now for the travel back!

Day 12

2009-06-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

This morning it was hard to get up. I konked out last night with a touch of heat exhaustion, so it was hard to get going. Food updates are feeling a touch overdone at this point so I will move on. Today we went to service at the Blue Box. They had lots of stuff going on for Father's Day. By the way - Happy Father's Day Dad! It was extremely hard on me personally since I am really missing my family. But afterwards the FTC kids were all coming up and wishing me a Happy Father's Day with lots of hugs. I imagined it was Destiny and Dylan, so that helped a lot. Bob Clinkert delivered the message with Lonnie interpreting. It was very emotional because Bob is the one that convinced her to come to FTC. I cannot imagine what Lonnie's life would be like had she not made the choice to change her life. She is such an inspiring young woman. It's a weird kind of envy I have for Bob because it's not often you see so clearly a case of saving someones life.

We went to FTC for lunch because one of the workers was having a party for his son's dedication. It was pretty decent and I am abstaining from further food reports. It was fun to interact with the kids for a little bit. We returned to Santa Nino and had a small group time with the team. I am really amazed at this team of students. Even the ones that have been here multiple times seem to have opened themselves up to being impacted in fresh ways. Kelsey, our youngest teammate, had the phrase of the trip. She was talking about how she felt so invested in from this trip and how she was overflowing. She talked about sharing that overflow with people when she got home - and then she called it "The Juice". It seems to have stuck, and now everyone is talking about sharing "The Juice" when they get home. Admittedly it sounds a little gross but it definitely got the point across. I look forward to all the ways this team is going to share "The Juice". Lonnie had come back to Santa Nino with us and she shared with us how much our visits mean to her. It was a powerful way to end the time.

Tonight was "Community". This is Frontline's version of Leadership Community. All the leaders and volunteers from all the ministry sites come to Santa Nino and hang out. We played some of the most vicious games of volleyball ever, for which I earned the souvenir of a skinned knee. Then the entire team, including the FTC kids, gathered for dinner and a time of singing and sharing. Our entire team got an opportunity to go up individually and express how much the trip and Frontline has meant to them. It was great to hear everyone sharing.

I actually kicked the sharing off and was kind of surprised what came out of my mouth. I was quite honest and open about how I felt completely drained leading up to this trip. I certainly did not intend to make any decisions in that moment, but as I shared about the challenges and stresses of ministry life I even expressed that I wasn't sure what was next. In that moment it was made clear to me. In this place I have been wiped clean, laid bare, stripped to the core. My mission is clear - when God calls me to go, I go. My mission field is career ministry in the local church. Until that moment, in front of a group of mostly strangers as of 2 weeks ago, half way around the world, God made it clear to me. I am to stay in ministry and even though my financial future is uncertain, I trust God will provide. As confirmation of my newly made decision, Jeff Pessina closed by talking about why Frontline was such an inspiring place. He approaches Faith and following Jesus in such a simple, pragmatic way. He spoke about how Frontline doesn't do anything that radical. They just live like Jesus is who He said He was. The bizarre thing would be to say we believe what we believe and then do nothing about it. It's that simple for Jeff. He knows his mission field and he knows God will provide. Not always in the way he hopes or expects but God is good.

I think it has been very good for me to be here. It's such a unique experience to be so drained and yet filled all at the same time. I truly believe that "The Juice" is flowing right now and I am rejuvenated and inspired. Frontline is really a blessing to me.

I am ready to go home now.

Day 11

2009-06-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a long time when I look at Day 11. Feels like it too. Today we all sat around the breakfast table and you could just tell it was going to be a hot day. Ironically they served hot dogs for breakfast. At 6:30am the heat was already oppressive. I don't know what the actual temperature was but when the Filipino's are grasping for water you know it's a hot one.

Today we went to Santissimo which is where the Green Box is. We went door to door in the community to follow up after the Crusade and invite them to church. The first home we stopped at we encountered two younger women sitting outside on kubo. This a little bamboo hut kinda thing that is very popular here. We started talking to them and the Filipino we were with, Silver, was sharing his testimony when a rather large lizard crawled onto Jessica. She popped up in a hurry and brushed the lizard off right onto Casey. The lizard ran right up her body, across her face and into her hair. It did a superman off the top of her head. Casey screamed bloody murder and ran for the hills. The look on the 2 women's faces was pretty interesting. Poor Silver waited for the drama to stop and continued on with his story. After Casey stopped crying, we all had a pretty good laugh.

We continued to several more homes and finally the last home we stopped at, our other Filipino interpreter Erwin, shared his testimony and talked to an older woman for quite a bit. He turned to me and said the woman wanted to pray to receive Jesus Christ. I lead her in a prayer through Erwin's interpretation. What a privilege! I had been sitting there trying to stay conscious during Erwin's diatribe, wondering how I had found myself in this position as I poured sweat out in buckets. Erwin snapped me back to reality with the invitation to lead her in a sinner's prayer. It was an interesting example of an ongoing conversation Debbie and I have been having while here. The culture of Frontline is very charismatic and some of the people here seem to attribute everything to God working. Let me give you an example - one guy shared a story how God made a white bread and cheez whiz sandwich taste like the best meal he had ever had. He was serious. He attributed the miraculous to something I would consider mundane. He hadn't eaten anything in awhile, was really hungry and it was really satisfying. Doesn't sound like a miracle to me, just natural hunger and eating. It's easy for me to mock them and think they are just being hyper-spiritual. But then again I wonder how much do I miss in God moving because I am willing to just write it off as something else. I am not suggesting I am going to look for God in cheez whiz sandwich's now, but clearly I am not inviting God to move in my life when I am not looking for how He is working. Sitting in the heat, struggling with the wooziness, I wasn't even looking for God to do something miraculous and what He did was way more than cheez whiz.

After lunch we headed back to Santa Nino. Some of our artists had to get to a rehearsal at the Blue Box for a concert in the evening. I ended up riding around in the truck somewhat pointlessly so when I finally returned to Santa Nino I crashed in my room for a quick napette. The heat was proving to be too much for me.

Romeo and his wife invited us over for dinner that evening before we went to the concert. I was dreading another Filipino meal ,but knew it would be rude to not eat what they had prepared. We walked into his house and there on the table, like manna from heaven, was Tostido's brand salsa, queso, and chips! I almost cried. Romeo recently visited the states and knows how differently we eat so he decided to treat us to Americano food. The main course was pizza. Unfortunately I over-indulged and felt pretty ill the rest of the night but it was worth it.

The concert was really good but it was so hot in the Blue Box. They are working on installed a ceiling which is the next step towards A/C. It is needed badly as I think it was dangerously hot in there. I had to go outside and get fresh air a couple of times. Our students did a great job - especially Allie who did a duet with Rhoda Lynn, Jeff Pessina's daughter. They both have amazing voices and ended with a harmony that gave me chills, which given the circumstances was even more remarkable. After the concert we were going to take the older students out to San Pablo and feed the street children. I really wanted to experience this to better understand where the FTC kids come from but I just couldn't do it. I stayed behind and slept. Apparently it went well.

Today is a little more chill day as we are headed to church in a few minutes. Later all the Frontline staff is coming out from the various locations for a "fellowship". Sounds like fun to me. Only 2 more days left before the long travel home begins. I almost ready to face the flight. Almost.

Day 10

2009-06-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

I sit here nearly speechless. Luckily it is only nearly because this would be a boring blog entry. Seriously though, even as I type this, I had to stop and pray. To praise God. Last night I spoke at the opening night of a tent crusade in the Santismo/Santa Ana buaranguy's. Originally, I had been asked to speak at the Friday night one, but it looked like our team schedule jived with Thursday night better. Unfortunately the decision on whether or not I was going to speak got made fairly late. In fact I went there Thursday night not knowing whether or not I was going to speak. Upon arrival, it was confirmed I would speak, but there was no interpreter available. This started a chain of events that led to me trying to rely on my own strength, and as always I stumbled. Since this opportunity was one of the things I was personally looking forward to on the trip, I got pretty discouraged. I had a pretty good Tim-bashing session last night. So I awoke this morning still feeling a little down. Debbie arranged for everyone on the team to have letters from home that we could open along the way. Thank you Debbie! I can honestly say I don't think I would have made it through the trip without them. I am at least glad I didn't have to try. Anyway, my friend Nick, who is one of the ones I turn to at home when I need support, is one of the ones that wrote me a letter. In typical Nick fashion he had to go above and beyond. So he wrote not 1, but 5 letters - to be opened in sequence at various points along the trip. I am a little behind and so today I opened the 3rd one. It closed with this:

God shows up often in times when I feel inadequate or
when I think I'm doing "it" all wrong. I pray that you
can see God clearly on this trip and maybe even in a moment
when you may feel inadequate in some way - maybe you'll
scream and laugh!

This was incredible timely, since I felt I had done "it" all wrong the night before. I did laugh - I didn't scream since my roommates were still sleeping. It encouraged me and I vowed to allow God to be my strength and stop beating myself up. Breakfast was bowls of cereal which I took as a sign of God's blessing upon my newly made decision.

We traveled to the Alaban mall, which is on the outskirts of Manila, with the FTC kids to go ice skating. The ice skating was fun and the kids had a ball. It was 100 pesos per kid. Roughly $2.50. The thing that struck me was that this mall was nice. Like really nice. Like Fox Valley/Westridge whatever Mall sucks compared to this mall. And I did some comparative shopping and the prices on merchandise was pretty similar to home. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around how a country with such extreme poverty can have these pockets of wealth. The resources to correct a lot of their impoverishedness exist internally. Here is how I finally came to terms with it. There are many nations and areas of extreme poverty in the World. This is not new information. Certainly America and Americans have way more than they need. This too is not new information. A lot of the impoverished areas need aid and financial assistance. The Philippines are apart of that category to a certain extent. But what they, the Philippines, need is a change of heart. They need the hope of Jesus Christ to see that life is more than being in whatever class of society you are born into with no way out, or no responsibility to anyone else. This country needs a change of heart. That's why what Frontline is doing is so important. They are working to meet the needs with outside support, but more than that they are trying to change hearts. To show people a different way of living. I think they are just crazy enough to change this country - 1 baranguay at a time. I am renewed in my conviction that working to establish churches and small groups is how they are doing it. The resources needed to change a nation are substantial, but as I walked around the mall today I see the need for the change is even greater. I am so blessed to have been here and seen the work they are doing - it is such an inspiration and encouragement.

So God is pretty cool. I know this because this afternoon I received an invitation to come back to the tent crusade. I was convinced after last night that not only would I not get invited back, I was going to be kicked out of the sweet A/C room I am in. "Um yeah Tim, we reserve that room for real pastors." Ok, slight exaggeration but needless to say I was surprised. We fit it into the schedule while the rest of the team went to the youth service at the Blue Box. It was movie night and the absence of popcorn was a deal breaker anyway. This time I prayed like no other. I asked God to impact every person there in some way. I asked him to use me as a vessel and I cleared my mind and my heart. I confessed that my strength was gone. I was tired, hungry, and hot. I had a grungy t-shirt on and hadn't shaved in nearly a week. It was hardly Tim Raad at his finest. But God was at His and after some amazing music by the Frontline Band, I got up and with the help of Pastor Romeo delivered the message I had intended to last night. It was a blast! God was definitely there in a powerful way and after Pastor Romeo's alter call and prayer, 40 people came forward. Most of them were young people. My message was on hope and it was as much for me as anyone. Jesus is our hope. Nothing else comes close. It was so exciting to be apart of. For whatever small part I played, it was all God. He moved and all I did was act when He said to act. I got to pray over the group of 40 at the end and I really believe that God is changing this country. I believe He is going to use Frontline to do it. I believe He is going to provide the resources to do it. I believe that I am honored to have been apart of this work. If you are looking for hope - you need look no further than Jesus. If you are looking for where God is working - well it's everywhere but 1 place for sure is here and if you are looking for someplace to invest in the kingdom of God - I think there are some people here that would like to talk to you.

Tonight I go to sleep with the peace and hope and joy that 40 more people have joined the Kingdom of God and become part of the Frontline family. I think I shall rest well.

Goodnight

Day 9

2009-06-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

This morning I took the 2 suitcases I brought and tried to get a little organized. One of the suitcases is much bigger than the other. I had been using the smaller one for dirty clothes but the time had come to transfer to the big one. So as I packed the remaining clean clothes into the small suitcase I realized the trip was winding down. That is of course bitter sweet because I am anxious to return home but yet don't feel like I am done here yet.

We set off for Baloc after breakfast and a quick team meeting. We got a little feedback from the students on their small group time with the FTC kids last night. I was really impressed with all the groups and what they decided to cover with the kids. This group of students is pretty amazing. They seem to have boundless energy which I appreciate except when we are crammed into a van and they break out in song. Then I dream of emo kids.

At Baloc we went door to door again which of course is a funny expression to use for homes that have no front doors. We distributed some of the StuCo clothing that was donated. StuCo is global and coming to a garbage dump near you - so watch out! We prayed for a lot of the families and some of the students shared words of encouragement and prayed. I told them since they were shy about that the first time they had better step up or I was going to call them out. I did pick on Ashley and volunteer her at one point. She of course rose to the challenge and did a great job. As we were leaving the dump one of the workers heard we had a mechanic on our team. I assure you I did not label myself as such but I offered what limited knowledge I had. As it turned out the guy who needed help was the bulldozer operator and I almost conned my way into driving it. Probable best I didn't. We don't need relations set back when I run down a building or something.

We returned to Santa Nino for lunch - that is where base camp is. Lunch was a pork chop-ish looking thing. I enjoyed a granola bar - almost out of peanut butter sadly. Speaking of food, yesterday I had to run into a gas station for something and the first thing I saw was Tostido's Salsa. I expect a huge meal of Mexican food when I get home - I have already placed my order with Brandie.

After lunch we returned to Baloc for a concert at the school. Ironically there is a sign in one of the three classrooms that says "cleanliness is next to Godliness". Talk about an unobtainable standard - they are in a garbage dump! The concert consisted of our students doing a few songs, a couple of Filipino's singing a some songs and whoever Noriel could put on the spot to talk. Debbie got to share today. She did a great job and it seemed fitting since we were at a school. Then we handed out donated toothbrushes and toothpaste along with some candy. Seemed an appropriate combination. Baloc is in a beautiful spot. I tried to take a picture of the landscape with Debbie's camera of the beautiful mountains in the background with a mountain of trash in the foreground. I don't think it turned out.

We returned to Noriel's house for dinner. Debbie, Bob and I rushed back to Santa Nino to clean up for the Crusade. First of all, the opportunity to speak on an international stage and share the gospel was something I had really been hoping for. So I was excited when the opportunity came. However it was originally supposed to be tomorrow night and got moved up. When we arrived there was no translator so they asked one of the FTC girls to do it. She did not want to and barely made it through Debbie's testimony moment so when I got up to share the message a guy who spoke little to no English joined me on stage. I got really flustered because of speaking through an interpreter and did absolutely horrible. After I was done, the translator went on for some time when. Apparently my alter call wasn't thorough enough. Much to my surprise a woman came forward. Then the almost the whole audience came forward but I am not sure for what.

I had an experience a few years ago where I attended the wedding of a former employee and friend. He is very polish and so was his fiance. They are also very Catholic so I sat through an incredible long service all in Polish and to this day I am not sure they were actually married since nothing was recognizable to me. I feel the same way about tonight's service. I have no idea what took place and I am not sure what God intended or did. I just have to trust that He did move. He said go and I did. I suppose that is the point of this trip. I want it to be wrapped up in a cute bow and make perfect sense or walk away with this great aha. That doesn't seem to be the way it works. I may never know what happened in that little tent tonight. It frustrates me that I came half way around the world to deliver a solidly below average talk, but in the end I suspect I am the only one that cares about that. It certainly would have been a greater blog entry had it gone differently. My hope and prayer is that the first woman who came forward made a decision about her faith tonight. I prayed before I spoke that selfishly I would love to see many people give their lives to Christ but if just 1 person was impacted it was worth it. Maybe that is what happened. Or maybe she just wanted a closer look at the extremely sweaty Americano with the puzzled look on his face. I did get to pray over the audience that was standing before me, which was an honor and a privilege.

God seems to blow up my expectations a lot - tonight He gave me a little shock and awe. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Ice skating actually, which is pretty unexpected - I may just lay down on the ice and enjoy the coolness. I have no more clean long pants and no socks longer than my gym shoes so it should be interesting. We are taking the FTC kids and I look forward to hanging out with them. Some of them actually think my jokes are funny. They don't get out much.

Day 8

2009-06-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

Day 8 started pretty early. Frontline has started a leadership development program appropriately called Frontline Training Program. It is for up and coming leaders in the various ministries. It is like our Leadership Residency program back home a little. They meet for devotions at 6am and I was asked, along with Debbie, to facilitate that. The thing that cracks me up about Frontline is how generously they give away ministry opportunities. I only wish they were as liberal with the specific instructions. I was told only that they were working through the book of John and today was John 3. That covers a lot of ground since it seems the format or content was pretty much open to my interpretation. Debbie and I decided to focus on John 3:16 since we have both been into Francis Chan lately. He talked about in his book or a message somewhere that if we really understood John 3:16 our lives would look a lot differently. So I led everyone through a prayerful meditation on that verse. I think I am finally starting to come into my element here because I really enjoyed it. God's Spirit was so powerful in the little tent we met in. It was super emotional and many of the FTP participants were crying as we went through it. I had a little charismatic moment as I prayed over each member of their team. It really started the day out right, especially since I discovered I left my soap and shampoo in the shower yesterday and they disappeared.

We were told as we went to bed last night that the boys would be going to help set up the tent for a crusade outreach event. David our trip coordinator told us we would be leaving at 7:30 Filipino time which meant sometime before noon. We left about 9ish. We drove to the site which was a cleared field in one of the nearby baranguays. It was Billy,Garrett,me and Bob Clinkert. Bobby had to stay back with the girls and "work" on the blog site. Let me just say that putting up a tent that can seat several hundred people is hard freaking work. Especially when it is raining. It started out dry but almost immediately it started to rain. About the time I thought I was soaked the rain shifted gears and really started raining and I discovered how soaked really feels. Rain here I have found, has many more speeds, directions, droplet size, and just general options than rain in the US. The tent was more or less in a raised position and everyone there, probable close to 20 of us, were moving the portable stage trailer into position when one of the supports arms swung loose and hit one of the Filipino's in the head. It was a pretty nasty hit so the driver and one of the Filipino's carry their wounded friend headed for the van. Well all of our stuff was in the van, so we ran after them. We jumped in the van and raced off to the hospital. Now this may not seem significant but bear in mind traffic here is like nothing you have ever experienced before. Let me just say it was a thrill ride to end all thrill rides. We got to the hospital and Bob and I jumped out to help carry Erwin our fallen comrade into the ER. The ER turned out to be a closet sized room off the lobby. The look on everyone's faces as two very wet and muddy Americano's carried in a bloody Filipino was pretty interesting. I got a little concerned they might think we had been the benefactors of the head wound but the suspicion faded. Erwin received a butterfly bandage, a couple of shots, a pain pill and slap on the back for about $15 US dollars. Bob took this as a vindication for non-socialized medicine. I personally was happy to walk to a store and get some soap and shampoo.

On the way home from our hospital adventure I was informed that while the students went to FTC to hang out with the kids and lead some devotional small groups that Bob, Vicky, Debbie and I would get to hang out with Jeff Pessina and his wife Winnie. I really enjoy being around Jeff - he is funny and incredible insightful. His stories about the "early" days of Frontline are always entertaining. He took us to an area of the Philippines that is a lake formed in the crater of an old volcano. It is incredible beautiful. We stopped and toured a couple of the resorts for the rich residents of the Philippines. It is incredible to see such wealth right next to such extreme poverty. Jeff says that the Philippines is a wealthy country masquerading as a third world country. I see why now. We enjoyed a meal with Jeff and Winnie and returned back to base camp.

As the students returned from FTC they are in extremely good spirits. The small groups with the kids were hugely successful. It is great to see all the students working together.

I found out that the crusade we helped with the tent on is starting tomorrow and either tomorrow night or Friday night I get to preach. This was one of my personal hopes for the trip that I would get to preach the gospel on an international stage. I am intimidated but super excited about the opportunity. Sadly most of my good jokes probable won't translate. No Ferris Wheel stories - that's for sure!

I was struck today by the beauty and resources of this country. The culture is so unique to me that you can have wealth and such extreme poverty so close together. In the US we make sure the bad neighborhoods are far removed from the good ones so we don't have to see it. Here they just ignore it I guess. I am not sure which is better. I guess I go back to how I started the day - if I really got John 3:16 than my life would probable look a lot different. I would feel differently about myself because God so loved me - He felt I was worth it even with all my mistakes and shortcomings. I would see the world differently because I would not want them to perish. Maybe that is what I will speak on at the crusade - I don't know yet, but I know I am seeing God in a fresh new way here and that makes all the struggles worth it.

Day 7

2009-06-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that the trip is half over. Most of the students get really sad when you bring that point up. I do too if I think about the 18 hours of plane rides ahead of me. I cracked open all the letters from home today - that has helped a ton. I am still homesick but I have eaten more in the last few days and even used the toilet paper supply - that's all I have to say about that.

Today was pretty relaxed, although my standards for relaxed have changed quite a bit. After the experience at the docks - the area called Tondo - anything seems tame. We went to the jail this morning. Funny that being in a room full of inmates felt safer than the street feeding, but the atmosphere in that jail facility is so amazingly positive. They have a vibrant group of Christ-followers and leaders. The students got a chance to go into the cell area (not in the cells) and share their testimonies with the inmates. Bob, Jeff Rice and I met with the group leaders and the prison ministry leader Orik. We sang songs together and than got to hear testimonies from some of the inmates. We all shared words of encouragement with them. It was just really remarkable to hear the stories of what the prison was like before Frontline got involved. It made me wonder what Tondo will be like if Frontline makes inroads there in a couple of years.

The afternoon was spent honestly waiting for the FTC kids to get out of school. We had an early supper of spaghetti. They put carrots in their spaghetti sauce! Weird. We went to FTC to play with the kids and took them to a basketball game that Mike, the FTC director played in. It was really a lot of fun. I can feel myself getting dangerously attached to these kids. They are all so sweet and innocent which is all the more amazing given their backgrounds. Tonight Anabelle was my buddy for most of the night. She is in 6th grade and shares a July birthday. Her favorite color is blue and her favorite number is 8. She grilled me with a lot of questions and so I returned the favor.

I did take time out this afternoon to sit in on a training session for Leadership Interns at Frontline. This is a new program they have just started this week and it was fun to interact with the young leaders. I am almost used to the impromptu requests of "share a word of encouragement Brother Tim." Luckily I am rarely at a loss for words.

Tomorrow the boys are going to help set up a giant tent for something. That should be a hoot! The afternoon will start off with some small group time for our team and than back to FTC I think. Part of the team will be going to the hospital where we started our week. I will be interested to hear what stories will come from that.

I cannot say enough good things about Frontline. The car ride to Manila yesterday with Jeff Pessina was great for discussion and I am sure will remain a personal highlight of the trip. Everything I see them doing really seems to have God's blessing on it and I don't sense any prideful credit being taken either. It is really refreshing to be around them. That being said the Philippines are not growing on me as a place to spend a lot more time. I still want to get home as quickly as I can.

Thanks to all of you that sent letters and have responded to blogs or Facebook posts. That means more to me than you will ever know.

Funny thing happened at the prison today. An inmate in his cell and I were talking through the bars. Bear in mind he is in a prison cell with about 12 other dudes and although tidy I don't think clean is a word I would use for it. He was really concerned that our group had been screened for H1N1 in Manila. Seriously?! God Bless His germaphobia but it seemed a little odd to me.

Anyway plan on lots of hugs when I get home. The Filipino's are awfully touchy feely and I am really homesick, so expect a long, lingering hug when I see you next.

Day 5 & 6

2009-06-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

Day 5 - massive interweb failure - boo!

Day 6 - We made the trek to Manila which is not too far, but subject to traffic jams of truly biblical proportions. Our goal was to leave by 5am - we were close - 6:30am. I don't respond well to schedules that are fluid and that I have absolutely no control over. God is surely trying to teach me patience this week. Our goal in Manila was a baranguay named Divisario. It is in an area called China Town but was not anything like China Town in Chicago. It is a wholesale market area and up til now I have never known crowded. I was lucky enough to ride in the car with Jeff Pessina to Manila and his description of Divisario was that it was "unnatural". I thought this was an odd choice of words, but he explained that he did not think it was God's intention for that many people to live in that little space. There are entire sections of shanty housing that go on for blocks and blocks. Right in the midst of this extreme urban environment, are naked kids running around because they are so poor they have no clothes. It was the most extreme poverty I have ever seen. Jeff Pessina said early in his ministry he lived in one of the shanty towns for 3-4 months. I cannot imagine staying even 1 night. We packed into a crowded alley way and tried to hand out meals, crayons, and new sandals. The pressing crowd was terrifying. We were warned about pick pockets and grab thieves. Within 2 minutes of exiting the car I was brushed by a pick pocket and then I watched her systematically check every other male in the group to see which pocket held a wallet. None did. She appeared to be less than 10 years old. After handing out the sandals an older man held out his hand to me and I thought I would be funny and slap it giving him "five". He snatched my wedding ring and I just barely clenched my fist before he got it off my finger.

We drove a few miles to a mall for lunch at McDonalds and then went to another area along the docks of the China Sea coast. This whole area is a brand new ministry focus for Frontline and we are one of the first groups to go to Divisario with them. Before going over to the dock area we stopped by the Captain of the baranguay. This was to get his security detail to go with us, because the dock areas are some of the toughest, worst areas of the city. A few weeks before us, a group of German missionaries went in there without them and were robbed of everything they had within the first 5 minutes. We drove in and immediately a crowd started forming. I got a very uneasy sense and told the students to all stay in our vehicles. Only the Filipino leaders and adults got out. As soon as the meals materialized it was clear this was unlike any atmosphere we had ever been in. Bob and Jeff Rice climbed on top of the van roof to take video and pictures. The food ran out immediately. We then took 3 backpacks full of bags of candy for the kids and started throwing them into the crowd. I jumped onto the roof with them. It was chaos! Once the candy was gone we were directed back into our vans and whisked out. The desperation and aggressiveness of the crowd was sobering and shocking. For our older students most of all, because the food and candy was served out of the back of their van so they had a front row seat. Tomorrow's small group time should be interesting. I cannot believe how many people live in such crowded, filthy conditions. Jeff was telling us that when one of the little shanty houses catch fire they burn and start a chain that can burn entire sections up to 10-12 blocks long often trapping people inside. They routinely collapse and are havens for drug abuse and crime. The government does little to help or stop it. Occasionally building or property owners complain so the government will bulldoze them down, but they get built right back up. I told Debbie these garbage material structures are like tumors on existing buildings - sometimes 3 or 4 stories high. Suddenly I think Jeff Pessina's description of unnatural is totally appropriate.

Tomorrow we go to the prison. I am looking forward to going to a place where Frontline has an established ministry and more controlled environment. It was such a notable difference to me and gave me an incredible respect for both Jeff's as we got to see what these places are like before they get started. They are truly on the razor's edge of ministry.

I think we are to the half way point. I must not be done here yet because I am not ready to face the long flight home. For probable the first time in my life I am homesick like a grade schooler at summer camp. I guess it's good for me.

A quick rewind to Sunday - Day 5. We took the "trikes" to McDonalds after church. It was the best tasting cheeseburger and fries I have ever had. Trikes are the taxis made of an underpowered motorcycle with a side car. See my facebook for a pic. It was the driver, Rowland (an FTC kid), and me on the seat. Allan, and 2 more FTC kids in the side car for a total of 6 people and roughly 100 cc's of power - not to mention he had to hit the brakes to turn since I was providing the counter weight on the back. Yet it was more thrilling than a roller coaster as the driver could negotiate clearances between my knees and oncoming traffic down to the millimeter. Rowland showed me the place he lived under the mall entrance for 2 years. When I said I was glad he didn't have to live that way anymore he said "praise God". It was a powerful reminder that I should feel the same way - I don't have to live my old way anymore praise God. Why don't I?

Finally, my big revelation of the day was a comment Jeff Pessina made on the drive to Manila. He was commenting on Filipino's complete disregard for traffic laws. He said he wasn't sure why they painted the lines on the pavement - nobody cared. On the way home Debbie and I were chatting and I said that I was always worried about the lines on the pavement in a world where nobody else was. I am not sure what that meant - still not sure but it seems profound. Either that or I am just totally worn out. I did get up at 3:30 am this morning so I could leave an hour and a half late. There's one of those lines again.

Well, I am going to check Facebook one more time and see if I get lucky enough to catch Brandie. It rained here last night and ruined my cyber-date. I don't mind teling, you I cursed a little.

Bonus Material

2009-06-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

It's hard to pinpoint what is the most shockingly different thing about this place but I am pretty sure it has to be the sheer number of people. I have never seen so many people in one place in all my life. Chicago on a busy day could not even hold a candle to the sea of humanity that you encounter every time we go out. It doesn't matter what time of day - there are people everywhere. I cannot even describe it completely. I never knew how much I craved wide open spaces until I came here.

I am a sensitive person to smells - this is not an ideal location for someone such as me. Not all of them are bad but a lot of them are. Between the constantly burning trash, the diesel fumes, the meats of unknown origin cooking - it is a full assault on the senses. Our mode of transport is a large truck with wooden benches covered by a tarp. I always try to get a spot near the front or the back so I can watch the scenery go by. I know it sounds stupid but it is just so much different.

I also have never been in a situation where I was so significantly in the minority. And for some strange reason it feels like it's the first time many people have seen a white person because people stop and stare at us. It's incredible unnerving. Not that it is ever going to be a problem but clearly I am not cut out for the celebrity lifestyle.

Finally Christine had warned me about the ants but I naively thought growing up in Texas I could handle it. These things are a whole new kind of angry ant. My feet and ankles look like a pregnant woman - swollen if you couldn't figure that out.

I realize those all sound like complaints and I guess they are. I know it sounds incredible naive and "Americano" but it is just so different. At first I saw the English signs and some familiar things like 7-11's and McDonalds and thought well this isn't too different. But the more I am here the more I realize how different it is. It's hard to process it all and I don't ever want to forget any of them so I thought I would record them.

I know my posts have been kind of emo. There is lots of laughter here for sure. This is a fun team. It is a LOUD team. Garrett has made his patented chicken dance a global phenomenon. I fear for peoples impression of America based on this but oh well.

Given this is my normally schedule time to blog I must know go face the reality that is breakfast - God please make it something I could identify in a line up!

Peace out

Day 4

2009-06-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

It is still Day 4. As opposed to reporting on it the day after. Today was the most emotional day so far. Breakfast was a dinner-esque dish that looked none too appealing so I went the granola bar route. Peanut Butter is strongly in the lead as my favorite.

This morning we went to Baloc which is the city dump for San Pablo. I think when I heard before that people were living in the dump, I imagined that it wasn't a real dump or some lessor version, but it is a full fledged garbage dump. There beside a breath taking, palm tree laden mountain is an equally breath robbing mound of trash. The land directly adjacent to the dump is public land, so people that cannot afford to rent or own their own property build shanty homes against the barb wire fence surrounding it. You literally have to bend and crawl through openings in the barb wire just to enter the homes. There is a creek which is really just run-off from the garbage that supplies the water for cooking, cleaning, and of course to carry off their waste. The disease potential is more likely to be infected than not. In the midst of this hell on earth is Frontline Ministries and the campus pastor of the soon to be Baloc Campus. His story is pretty remarkable. He was working in other capacities with Frontline and didn't really know anything about Baloc. One night he had a dream and in it he saw a building and the name Baloc. Within a few days he was introduced to what was going on there and knew it was what God was calling him too. So he moved his family into a house near the dump. As I discovered hanging out at his house, if the winds are blowing the right way you can smell the dump. Even if the winds are blowing in your favor, there is a constant parade of trucks carrying their smelly loads past his house. His house that has electricity only when he hooks it up to a car batter. The running water is a pump out in the yard. All to be apart of God's work in this terrible place. I will never make jokes about my cut in pay again.

On our visit to Baloc we visited several families. The last one we visited was a woman whose 7 year old son was killed by a bulldozer moving trash. As we heard her story and looked around at her living conditions, Noreal (I am sure I misspelled that), the campus pastor asked me to share a word of encouragement with her. How in the world do you say anything that isn't incredible trite and stupid? Luckily God gave me the words and we prayed with her. She had stopped coming to the church because it is right across from the funeral parlor where her son had his service so it was just too painful. She said she might come again this Sunday - I hope to see her there.

Frontline has started a program with funds, from among other places, Celebration Generosity at CCC that provides permanent housing for people living at Baloc. Frontline pays a down payment of 28,000 pesos and the families have to pay 300 pesos a month there after, until the home is paid for and theirs. It moves them out of the disease infested dump site and along with programs to create income, such as agricultural and other supply exchanges, gives the families a hope for a better life. With the current exchange rate 28,000 pesos is less than $700 US. The cost to Frontline is a little more but literally for $1200 to $1500, a home can be built for people that are living in total poverty. Frontline has secured finances to build 5 homes and is currently looking to secure more land for a Campus right outside of Baloc and to build more homes. Right now Noreal drives a truck into the dump sight every Sunday morning and picks up 20-30 people for church at the Blue Box.

In the afternoon we went and did a street feeding for people that have built somewhat more permanent homes on public land along the railroad tracks. Tonight we went back to Noreal's house for a bonfire with some of his leaders. Most of them are young people no older than our students. It was amazing to see students being the most powerful force on the planet - from opposite ends of the planet - sing praise songs, sharing testimonies, laughing and joking around a bonfire. God is on the move here. It is so hard but it is so good to be here. I miss home so much it hurts. It's Day 4

Day 3

2009-06-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

I realize I am setting a dangerous precedent by blogging everyday, but I cannot guarantee it will continue. Surprisingly I am quite homesick, which has taken me completely by surprise. Blogging and Facebooking feels like a connection to home that I need right now so I am going to try and continue. I get online about half the time I try.

So yesterday was Day 3. We went to Santismo which is the Baranguay where the Green Box is. That is Frontline's second campus. It was cool to see it since I had seen all the pictures from Christine, Melissa, and Katlynn's trip last summer where they worked so hard to get the building opened up. Now a year later the campus is growing. We broke up into teams and went into peoples homes from the campus. The students went with Filipino leaders to follow up on responder cards from Church services. Our leaders went with the Campus pastor whose name I can hardly say let alone spell. It sounds like Ariel kind of but less Disney. We went to the home of a man who is on dialysis. He had a job that was paying for it but they stopped. He needs 6000 pesos a week for the treatment which is more than a lot of people make in a year. He did not get the treatment last week because the family did not have the money. We prayed for him to be healed and for God to provide the money for the treatment. Without a miracle he may die before we leave.

We visited some of their small group leaders which they call Lifegroups. Then we went to the home of family that recently lost their home due to eviction. Needless to say this was a very personal visit for me due to my home foreclosure. However I moved into a cushy townhouse. They moved onto a piece of land and are trying to build a house out of scrap parts and timber from a nearby mountain. It takes the dad 20 minutes to walk to the public land on the mountain and than he chops down a tree and carrys it back on his shoulder. This can take hours depending on how big the tree was. Needless to say I didn't offer to arm wrestle him. They are a family of 7 and when I visited their home it was a tin roof with no walls. It was truly the worst living conditions I have ever seen or could imagine. Their oldest high school age daughter was one of the leaders with our students doing outreach to other families. The campus pastor told us the family committed to and were giving money to the church. Even as I type this I feel this burning in my heart. It is contempt for everything that I am and all that I have become. I despise the smell here and the food is pretty bad and I complain about the lack of ice cubes. They have no walls! And give of themselves more freely than I do. Today we go to Baloc which is the dump site and I will see more of the same. It is my sincere pleasure to pray with these people and stand with them in faith. Little do they know they impact me far more than I will ever impact them.

The heat and lack of sleep is taking it's toll on the team but we continue to press on. So far spirits are mostly good as we deal with the heat and nerves and homesickness. Last night some of students sang & played at the Frontline youth group service. I was extremely proud of our students. I miss StuCo - we would rock their socks off (if they wore any).

I have peeked at breakfast and it is another granola bar meal. See you tomorrow, interweb willing.

Day 2

2009-06-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

On Day 2 we took the FTC kids to a swimming pool. We drove to a “resort” that would be lucky to reserve even 1 star by US standards but the pool was very nice – there were actually 3 of them. One of the high school age boys, Jefferson, asked me right away if I could swim. He challenged me to a race and based on his lean, athletic appearance the odds were in his favor. However my old swim team days paid off and I beat him convincingly. I gave him some pointers and he asked me tons of questions about how I learned to swim and who taught me. My ego got the best of me when I tried to duplicate his running forward flip into the pool with a nasty face plant into the water. I think I still have water in my sinus cavities. Later in small group with our StuCo students, Jefferson connected with Garrett and they prayed together.

Those of you that know me well know I am not much of a little kid person. I always joke that God gave me extra patience for Jr High age by taking it away for little kids. However as I sat beside the pool area watching the FTC kids and StuCo students playing a little girl nicknamed Bam-Bam approached me. She had me hold her little back pack as she withdrew the contents and repacked them over and over again. Her prized possession was a little toy camera. Eventually she crawled up into my lap. She shares my affection for back scratches and insisted I continuously scratch her back or rub her shoulders. If I dared stop I learned quickly why she has earned the nickname Bam-Bam. I did eventually distract her by giving her my sunglasses to play with which she had to show off to everyone. She lead me along one of the paths around the resort by the hand. She is 5 years old however is barely the size of a 3 year old. She speaks very little although seems to understand quite a bit. Bam-Bam is the youngest of 7 kids I believe. She came to FTC after being horrifically abused and beaten. She barely survived. It was so surreal to be interacting with this innocent child and knowing the tragic circumstances of her short little life so far. FTC not only means a chance at life that she wouldn’t have otherwise, it also means a chance for hope. Hope through Jesus Christ, hope for a future, hope for an education and a better life. I am realizing Hope is the most precious commodity of all over here and one that is sorely lacking more than food or housing.

Day 2 and I am already emotionally moved beyond comprehension. What will the next 11 days hold?

Day 1

2009-06-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

Day 1 was hot. Super hot - according to the locals one of the hottest days of the year so far. We had a great breakfast and an orientation with the Frontline staff. It was great to hear from the individual ministry leaders and see their passion for what they do. We toured the facilities such as the school, Blue Box, and FTC home. The students who had been here before were so excited to get back to the FTC and see the children. What they are doing there blew me away - a feeling I think I am going to have to get used too on this trip. To be honest as I walked through the buildings, which in some cases are barely that, I felt sad. These kids are so happy to have this but compared to all that my kids have it is so very little. I kept thinking as I saw their living conditions that we can do better than this. The kids are very happy though and so obviously crave affection, as they just come right up and start touching you and crawling all over you. They have an innocence that is remarkable considering their past. The leaders Mike and Lauren I believe, I have met a lot of new people, live in the most incredible modest accommodations, face nearly insurmountable odds, and constant crisis yet seem to have a joy that goes beyond anything I know. It really hit me when I met Lalo (I am sure that is misspelled). He is the boy they rescued from a shed, naked and starving, sitting in his own waste. He is blind, cannot speak, cannot walk. He has more health problems than they even know. It is so sad yet so incredible inspirational all at the same time.

Later we went to the hospital. Let me just say that I have no intentions of needing medical treatment while I am here. Wow! It was deplorable. We went to the 3rd floor - the surgical wing. It was all people who had either had surgery or were waiting for surgery. I never saw a doctor and saw only 1 nurse, yet there were patients everywhere - 3 or 4 in every room. We went with a woman who goes every week along with some of the older FTC kids and pray for the sick. The second room we went in had 3 patients in 12 x 12 room. It was so hot because before our arrival there were at least 15 people in the room, maybe more. Debbie and I had prayed for people in the first room so it was Billy MacKenzie's turn when we entered the room. The first person was a woman with an obvious chest wound. Our interpreter told us she had attempted to commit suicide by stabbing herself in the chest. Billy prayed, nervously yet sincerely. Our interpreter started talking to her and her husband for several minutes. She then explained that they both wanted to pray to receive Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. We all gathered in the sweaty room holding hands in a place with little hope and prayed with 2 brand new believers. It was one of the most memorable moments of my life. To see the look on Billy's face was priceless. I am sure it was incredible intimidating for him because it was for me! But somehow in God's infinite wisdom and plan we traveled half way around the world to go into some woman's hospital room who felt her life was without hope and we got to deliver the good news to hear and see her eternity changed. Wow! Afterwards we spoke to our interpreter and found that the hospital was for people who had no way to pay for their medical expense and when this woman was discharged in a week or so she had no way to pay for the prescriptions she would need to recover from the surgery. On top of everything else they discovered she had appendicitis and had removed her appendix as well as treat the stab wound. We took some of the money from the StuCo offerings and walked to the pharmacy and bought our new sister's prescriptions. Some of the family members went with us and tearfully accepted them. It was a good day.

We finished the day out back at the FTC playing with the kids. I played more rounds of Uno, with ever changing rules, then I probable have ever played. It was a hard day because of the heat and the fact that I may have had 5 hours of sleep since I left on Monday. We returned home to the Frontline headquarters and I think everyone was asleep by 8:30pm. If this is 1 day I almost fearful of 14 more, but at the same time incredible expectant to see what else God has in store. Watch for students to update our team blog at www.clinkert.com. I look forward to Billy's post especially.

The Eagle has landed

2009-06-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

The trip was long and hard but we arrived in the Philippines last night or rather early this morning - 1am local time. The flight from Chicago to Tokyo was about 13 hours long and truly unpleasant. It seemed almost cruel and unusual to have to then get on a 5 hour flight to Manila. The team is doing great - we had some minor discomforts on the plane but everyone has amazed me with their enthusiasm and cheerfulness. One of the big anxieties for me was the sleeping and eating conditions at Frontline but I have scored probable the best room (it has A/C! & a bed) and the food for breakfast was border-line heavenly. After airplane food admittedly my standards were in need of a makeover. Today we got the orientation and schedule. It is incredibly full and jam packed. I am looking forward to all the experiences but it is going to be an intense 2 weeks. We started the tour of the FTC facilities but came back to the compound for lunch. The Blue Box was great to see and the journey there is a story to tell. Debbie is our unofficial photographer so hopefully I will have some to post soon. In the meantime stay tuned for updates and also check www.clinkert.com for team blogs. Please pray for us and I look forward to sharing the experiences as time and Internet connection allow.

PI trip updates

2009-06-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am calling it PI like the cool kids. Although I secretly think they do not spell Philippines out so they don't accidentally spell Philippians or just misspell it all together. Anyway our official trip blog site is up at www.clinkert.com. I will also try to update this site as well but who knows what I will be up for while over there. Anyone interested in twitter updates can do so with the account cccpi. I don't pretend to know how that works - it's like the phone lines which I assume operate by magic or alien technology but somehow it just does.

So much noise

2009-06-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes after StuCo at Montgomery I like to sit in the building alone. Everyone is gone, the noise has all stopped. There is an odd peace about it that stands in stark contrast to the roar of the crowd. I love the energy in this place when all the students are here, but there is something about that quiet though that is almost intoxicating. For me, especially after a StuCo service that has been a good one where I have had some great conversations with students or heard about a student taking a significant step, it's almost like I can hear in the silence God whispering, "Well done good and faithful servant". I suppose that is somewhat arrogant, but that is what I imagine. It's my alone time with God and it is so peaceful. Usually my own fatigue or hunger is the only thing that can provoke me to move. I often find that silence is something very soothing and spiritual for me - I suspect that is a sign I don't get it enough. In life there is always so much noise, some if it is really good. Too often it may be too much of a good thing, when I am not balancing it with those moments of solitude,reflection and communion with God. So it is, that I find myself sitting alone in the Montgomery building. It is not after StuCo but I am still enjoying the quiet of the building. Even with the frequent interuptions of the dreaded Blackberry, or even chats with Glen as he toils outside, it is nice. The gentle tapping of the keys on my laptop, the odd whirs and grunts from the ice machine, all soothing sounds as I imagine all the moments spent in this building, of kids,students and adults finding their way back to God. It is peaceful. It reminds me of what it is all about. The next several weeks may not afford a lot of solitude, and so I soak it in now like a plant devouring needed water and sunlight. Even in the midst of so much noise I find rest in you Oh Lord.

Nervous yet?

2009-05-28T06:59:00.001-07:00

My trip to the Philippines is a little over a week away. I leave Monday the 8th. People keep asking me if I am nervous yet. It is funny how much it snuck up on me. I was so fixated on finishing the school year at both locations, so I kept thinking the trip was way off in the future. Now it is literally upon my doorstep and I have to confess that I am quite anxious. I hear that verse in my head - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:5-7. And I am claiming that, or at least trying too. But what I found interesting as I tried to articulate to someone why I was nervous, it wasn't for any of the reasons you would typically expect. My new friend Bob, who is the expert traveling with us, thinks it's uproariously funny to share all his plane crash dreams with me - but Bob's nocturnal visions aside, I am not really terribly worried about the normal stuff like plane trouble or sickness. I guess I have resigned myself to the fact the plane ride is going to be long and uncomfortable. The food is going to be unpleasant and the weather conditions worse. All of that I know is going to wear on me but I am not that anxious about that. I think the reason I am struggling a little is because it is coming at what I hope is the conclusion of a very trying season for me. I have loved seeing all the stuff God has done in StuCo this year but 2 locations has stretched me to the brink. When I volunteered for this trip 6 months ago I never dreamed I would be going there feeling like I have very little to give. My strength is gone. Through the help of Ann Jackson's amazing book - "Mad Church Disease" I feel like I am on the road to recovery but I see that it is a long road back. The only way I can reconcile it in my mind is that somehow in God's infinite wisdom He has brought me to a time and place to be used by Him and if my strength is gone than it is all Him working through me. I often take the credit for God and now I am not in a position to do that.

I do think that the opportunity to "unplug" from the pace of my life for 2+ weeks and just focus on serving people is going to be good. Not in an easy, relaxing way but in a refreshing, refocusing kind of way. I have such a hard time unplugging from things, so nothing like being half way around the world - that's unplugged baby! It will be interesting to see how I reflect on these words when I return. I guess my prayer along with the prayers for details and safety and health is that God & I would reunite in that strange place in the way I so desperately need right now. It is all about Him after all. It's just been easy for me to get distracted and think it is about me these days. So am I nervous? Yes, yes I am. I did joke with someone the other day that one of the crazy thoughts that popped in my head was a Gilligan's Island/Lost sort of scenario where I was stranded on a deserted island with a bunch of students - that would test my love for student ministry!

I am feeling a little weak, a little vulnerable, and a lot out of my comfort zone. But at the same time that sounds like fertile soil for God to come in and do something amazing.

Burning question of the day

2009-05-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

So here is my question I am wrestling with today - wait first let me explain (there is no time, I will summarize) how I have gotten to this point of mental excercisedness. A few weeks ago I read a book that really challenged me on views of Heaven and Hell. It was "The Last Word and the Word After That: A Tale of Faith,Doubt, and a New Kind of Christianity" by Brian McClaren. It's not the first time one of his books has some what forcefully broken me out of my stronghold of limited perspective. The book which is fictional admittedly, provides some information about the impact of various religions and cultural traditions on the modern understanding of heaven and hell. I won't go into my emerging philosophy on the afterlife but it started an interesting awareness. Over the last several weeks in several ways and in several places I have been faced with things I believed to be solely Christian or Biblical ideas and have found that to not be the case. Culture, current to whatever period it may have been or currently is, has a significant impact on how we interpret the unchanging truth of God. I do believe that God is unchanging however our interpretation of Him seems to change almost constantly.

So finally after the eternal introduction here is my question - what role does the Church play in this? Are we the filter or the delivery vehicle to bring the unchanging, timeless message of Christ in a relevant way to society? Or maybe we dilute the message when we do that. It is undeniable that culture has a significant influence on the Church - does Church have an impact on culture or are we doomed to react and always try to interpret God to the godless. I think it's a both and kind of thing. We do bring the message in an understandable, relatable way and culture does influence us but what would it take for the Church to influence culture? I have never had a fondness for political activism. I clearly don't respond to the latest fads as I am usually a decade or two behind. Don't know that even the question is clearly formatted in my brain. I am just wondering why is this something I am wrestling with now. I tell students they are the most powerful force on the planet and I believe that. Isn't that what the Church is supposed to be - an unstoppable force as Erwin McManus would say.

Just wondering I guess about the relevance of being relevant.

Am I Wrong?

2009-05-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got to speak on the adult stage at Montgomery Campus (I'm sworn to secrecy about how many times!) and it was a thrill for several reasons. First I have wanted to be able too for a long time. I have attended Montgomery Campus since it's inception back in March of 2002. When I look back over these last 7+ years it is a remarkable period in my life. I think if I were to find my own time traveling Delorean and go back I would hardly recognize my old self. This is not to suggest I have attained any significant maturity but I certainly have grown a lot. It is my home campus in so many way because I have taken so many steps there. I look forward to having the same memories at the Shorewood Campus. Who knows what lies ahead.

But back to the weekend. I got to speak to the adults about our current series - Suburban Legends. This is the second message in this series I have gotten to deliver. The series is about the social myths that we buy into that are not really true. The first one in the series and the first message I gave was on the legend that kids just need to be happy. I taught that one at Shorewood and I felt it went really well. I always feel hypocritical when it comes to talking about parenting because I think I was a bad parent for a really long time. Finally, I am starting to feel like my kids don't secretly hope I fall in a deep hole. This talk addressed permissive parenting which is probable the one area of parenting I don't feel like a total fraud. I enjoyed the opportunity immensely.

As the series continued we came to this weeks legend which was that all teenagers are rebellious. This is a topic near to my heart obviously being in student ministry. I loved the angle because it addressed the fact that so many adults think, communicate to, and treat these teenager years like something to be endured, a storm to be weathered. They inadvertently communicate that adolescence is nothing more than preparation for when your real life begins. I think this devalues teens and leads them to believe what they do whether good or bad doesn't matter. I of course believe students are the most powerful force on the planet when they embrace God's plan and purpose for their lives. I love seeing students engaged in the mission of the kingdom of God. It really is what makes it all worth it for me. Anyway the combination of that topic and being on my home stage really made it special. I almost felt like it was a guilty pleasure - is that wrong? Many thanks go out to all the people that lobbied for me to get the opportunity in it's various forms. My favortist moment was asking all the students in the audience to come forward and be prayed for "commissioning" them as ministers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because they are the Church of Today. No matter where this crazy journey leads me, I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I suppose if that is my guilty pleasure and I am wrong then I don't want to be right! It was a thrill.

What's wrong with me?

2009-04-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

My beautiful bride is addicted to these weird medical shows where the person has some super obscure disease that no one can diagnose. The show follows the clues until a brilliant doctor finally stops ignoring the patient and makes the medical discovery of the century. Obviously from my sarcastic tone I don't share her love for these shows. Lately I have been wondering though what do my symptoms add up too. I am the classic patient in denial. I ignore symptoms and warning signs until I can't hold out any longer.

A couple of weeks ago we had a guest speaker come to our monthly staff meeting and spoke to us about a new book she has authored. Ann Jackson (www.flowerdust.net) was in town for a unique student service we were doing and honestly what her book was about had not even crossed my mind. As it turns out she may be my brilliant doctor. The title of her book is Mad Church Disease - think Mad Cows but with pastor types. I am only a little ways into the book but so far I think I may be infected. It is with great hope and anxiousness that I read on hoping it is not fatal. Recently I have found myself wondering a lot of the things that she herself wondered during her experience and so I am identifying with it a lot. Hopefully from this will come great revelation that I can share with you all (both of you!).

As a side note I traveled to Tulsa,Ok and visited a church there - The Kirk of the Hills (www.thekirk.com). I got to be apart of a presentation on some leadership stuff. It was tons of fun and great to meet other church leaders who are following God's lead into strange and wonderful new things. I suffered from facility envy when I saw their awesome student ministry space! On the plane journey home (6 hour plane delay!) I picked up a fun book to read - Angels & Demons which turns out is the prequel to the Da Vinci Code. Great book - can't wait to see the movie now. Figured since I was doing book reviews I would include that.

Perspective

2009-04-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The First approach'd the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -"Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me 'tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The Fourth reached out his eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he,
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!"

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

Tomorrow's Trouble

2009-03-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend the scripture basis for the message was Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." The Big Idea was that we should focus on today and trust God about tomorrow. For the purpose of tough times we believe that whatever struggle we may be facing is fleeting and temporary. I have heard it said before that as Christians we are to focus on the eternal and not on the temporary circumstances of this life. I believe that is true but it started me thinking about living in the moment. For me a lot of times I think I confuse living for the moment and living in the moment. Instant gratification has always been on my daily to do list if I am honest. I have always found it easy to justify what I want to have or do in the moment usually foregoing the implications to tomorrow. After all it's scriptural - I am letting tomorrow worry about itself since I sure wasn't.

So I have been wrestling with the difference between living in and living for the moment. The best I can figure it is back to that eternal perspective. If I am living for the moment than I am willing to sacrifice tomorrow and beyond for the pleasure of right now. It's the ultimate in letting sin run my life. I want the apple from that tree right now kind of stuff. Living in the moment is recognizing that the fear that holds me back from responding to God's prompting is usually selfish concern for me in this life. That may be oversimplifying it but that is what I have come up with so far.

I once heard someone define the way they quantified spiritual maturity was the amount of time from when they hear God speak to the time they act on it. The shorter the time the more mature they were becoming. That has stuck with me. In some cases I think I do not have enough of an eternal perspective and that blocks my spiritual maturity. Or in worse cases I live for the moment and make it all about me. Either way it is in my best interest to realize in this life tomorrow will take care of itself and my future is secure in He who holds all things together. And when He says "Go" I go.

My Summer Vacation

2009-03-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

So this summer I am taking a trip. I hope to use this blog to update people on what God is doing in and thru our team. In the meantime this is my support letter that I have begun to send out. I would love everyone and anyones prayers & support in this endeavor.

Dear Friends & Family

I am writing this letter to you today to let you know about an exciting opportunity I have coming up in June of this year. I and a team of people from our student ministry at Community Christian Church are traveling to San Pablo City in the Philippines to serve the Filipino people. We are partnering with an organization called Frontline Ministries. Frontline has a variety of ministry activities that we will be participating in such as their Face the Children program. Face the Children is a ministry developed in response to the large number of children that are abandoned by their families to live on the streets. There they are victims of unspeakable crime and abuse. Frontline goes to where the children gather and provides them food, clothing and necessary items and invites them to come live at their school. There they receive care, education and the opportunity at a much better life. In addition we will be going to several different church sites including the local prison and a garbage dump where the truly poorest of the poor live. Our trip will bring them a variety of necessary items but most of all will show people (who consider themselves to be lower than human) that they are God’s special creation.

We will be spending 2 weeks there, June 8 – 23. There are two ways you can help support me in this endeavor. The first and most important is to pray. We are taking a group of approximately 20 students and leaders. The travel time is extensive. We are relying on God for protection and safety throughout our journey and during our interaction with people that live in incredible unsanitary conditions. In addition we are going expectantly, that God would move in the lives of the Filipino people and in the lives of the students who will be experiencing international missions for the very first time. I would truly covet your prayers.

The second way you can support me is financially. The cost for the trip is $2500 per person and the vast majority of that is the airfare. I believe we serve a mighty God and that He can provide in ways that far exceed what I can dream or imagine. I would love to partner with you so this dream can become a reality. In addition to the airfare we provide support to Frontline Ministries and I am trusting God will bless them even beyond the amount I have committed to raise. All financial contributions will be collected through Community Christian Church so they will be accounted as charitable contributions for federal tax purposes. Please make checks payable to Community Christian Church with the words “Frontline” and “Raad” in the memo. You can give the checks to me or mail them to our church at the address below, attention Tim Raad.

Thank you for considering supporting me and the team as we follow Jesus to a place that is crying out for Him.

Tim Raad
1845 Indian Hill Lane
Aurora, Il 60503
630-209-8630

What's cooking?

2009-01-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

My 2 great passions in life beyond family and ministry are cars and cooking. Cars I am pretty good at - at least when I still had money and raced. Cooking I think I am ok at. There a few things I cook really well but I don't follow recipes very well so that lends itself to going really well or going really bad when I experiment. There is probable an analogy to life in there somewhere. Anyway recently I have been getting that sense that in life something is stirring. I don't know what it is or why in the midst of one of the busiest seasons of my life I would sense that. Here lately I don't feel like I have time to sense much of anything. Even the uber-cold we have been having has not served as a distraction. But yet I still feel this stirring in my soul. I can't imagine more changes in my life or ministry or career or whatever, but I cannot shake the feeling. I crave stability and some sense of normalcy, whatever that is. In addition to the adventure of leading 2 different youth groups at 2 different locations, I get to help administer and pull off our largest event of the year, Blast, which I am enormously excited (and anxious if I am honest) about. I am helping plan and lead a trip to the Philippines in June which has monopolized my time of late, and oh yeah trying not to be a total failure as a husband and father. What more could I possible dream of? The answer is ...... I don't know. But after all these years I am recognizing the signs of my glorious Creator, the Chef of all Chef's, reaching into the cabinet and assembling the ingredients. He has a new recipe to try out and if I am brave enough to taste of it, well it may just be the most magnificent thing I have ever tasted.

We'll see, but something is stirring.

For not From

2009-01-06T12:59:00.001-08:00

I first heard this said pertaining to money and God - He wants something for us not from us. The idea that God does not want our money but He wants our hearts which for most of us is tied to our money. I suppose that topic is a blog topic all unto itself but right now I don't feel like exploring that so much. I was meeting with 1 of my favorite people Megan and we were talking about all kinds of things pertaining to life and such noble pursuits. As we were cussing and discussing it dawned on me that God's intention for the law was the same thing. The law was not given to us so we could meet the standard and prove ourselves worthy to God. The point was that we could never meet the law and therefore to prove our need for God. He didn't want something from us - our perfection. He wanted something for us - a relationship with Him. Obviously Jesus came to bridge that gap but when we think God wants us to follow rules because we have to or He told us we must, then we are acting like God wants something from us and in this case it is something we can never deliver - perfection. When we realize the law highlights my need for His amazing grace and I turn and become dependant on Him, I receive what He has for me which is a right relationship with Him. In the moment it struck me as really profound.

Looking Forward to 2009

2009-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I think my overwhelming temptation at the New Year is to look backwards and from my disappointments or failures determine what I want in the year to come. I think I am always trying to accomplish more or somehow make amends for where I feel I have fallen short. So for me I am choosing to look forward not based on my past this year but on what I expect and desire for the future.

I hope and pray that in 2009 I will:

Make 2009 a year that is truly family first and that I would cherish the time spent with them as I watch them all grow

Lead with passion and from my heart

Be about journeys - both spiritual and physical

Invest in friendships, that in many cases have been long neglected, because I want them and need them

Make peace with what I can and cannot do

I look forward to 2009.

Pass it on

2008-12-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with Jake in the office the other day and as so often happens, a small side conversation makes a significant impact to me. Jake was relaying a conversation he had with someone else. Basically it was about the difference between delegating a task and delegating responsibility. Delegating is something that I know I don't do well because I often fall into the trap of thinking something will not be done correctly if not by me. Of course that makes the assumption that my way is always correct which is about as brasenly arrogant as anything I can think of. It also leads to overload as I find it necessary to manage minutia to a ridiculous extent. Even though I know these things stand in the way of really ministering to people and blocks others from using their God given gifts I still engage in this behavior. I found this idea to be very challenging, that I may have been assigning tasks and not giving leaders the responsibility and freedom to do what they do best. I am on the search for ways to truly empower students and leaders and watchful for the ways I block them from succeeding. I don't have all the answers but it is something I am thinking about a lot. Thanks Jake for the inspiration!

Blog about Nothing

2008-12-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have been distressed lately about how little love I have shown to my trusty blog. So much so that I have found myself looking for things to blog about. To date I have come up with exactly nothing. It also struck me that in the midst of extreme business and going in a million different directions I can find nothing to pontificate about. That is truly rare for me. Sadly I think it is more an implication of one of my least positive character traits and that is when I get to feeling overwhelmed I can fly through life with the blinders on, missing all that is going on around me. I picture myself like this insane jockey just beating the tar out of my life of a horse with a whip because I feel like I have to keep up. The problem is I don't know what I am keeping up with or what I am even chasing. My fight or flight reflex has somehow been triggered and away I go. All it does is add to the insanity. Not only does it add to the insanity it usually ends up hurting the people around me as I trample them. I wonder if I will ever be able to slow down in those moments of strain. Life serves up its heaping dish of busy-ness all to frequently to not know how to deal with it. I suppose in a blog about nothing conclusions would be counter to my theme so luckily I have none. In the meantime I am on the prowl for blog worthy topics.

Now that's powerful!

2008-11-24T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have a saying that I tell the students all the time - in fact it is part of my signature on all my emails - and it is "Students are the most powerful force on the planet". I don't remember when or where it started. It was a phrase that I think came from Nick my predecessor but I might have come up with it. Or Nick just did such a could job of instilling it in me that I just think it's my own. Anyway for me it is based on the passage from Acts that says you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. It's a link to my charismatic past I suppose.

I like the phrase because I truly believe that when students allow Jesus to be Lord of their lives and follow the Holy Spirit than they are unstoppable. It seems so little is expected of students at least from a positive stand point. I remember back to my "youth group" days and something happened and suddenly out of a small group of students an entire church was changed. This school year it sure seems that the Holy Spirit is at work in so many ways through our little group of students. It is exciting to be apart of and I think I am starting to get through to them that something special is happening. They are embracing that powerful force.

Last week we did a food drive. For all of our student locations we had brainstormed a campus specific service project. I confess I went through several ideas before landing on copying our Naperville location and doing a door to door food drive. I was anxious about how many students would participate and how much food we would get. On a snowy Sunday we went out to hang the door hangers announcing that we would be back the following Wednesday to collect the food. Several students showed up to help so my spirits were on the rise. The night came to collect the food and again my anxiety was escalating. Much to my delight a larger group of students and leaders came to collect our somewhat anticipated bounty. As the night progressed it became obvious that the collections were few and far between. I got a phone call from Naperville that it was bleak there as well. I was disappointed for the families that needed the food, I was disappointed for the food bank we were supporting and disappointed for the students that walked in the cold & dark for so little. I was considering the night a bust until the many of the students embraced their powerful status and went to the grocery store on the way back and with their own money made up the difference. It was completely unsolicited by me. Most had not even seen or heard from me and had no idea that no one was getting a lot. They just did it. I was stunned. I could not have been more proud of a group of students. Of course I did what any proud leader would do - I bragged. I shared my bragimony with the entire church staff and it was cool to hear from several people how inspiring it was to them. Then the icing on my cake was when I sat in the adult service this weekend and heard our lead pastor use those students story as an illustration to the entire church on generosity & right attitude on giving. Honestly I am not sure if the students believe me when I tell them our little corner of the empire - 70 some odd students strong can influence a church of 5000 but this weekend they did. Go God!

No Sign of Life

2008-11-17T16:08:00.000-08:00

Obviously I love my church quite a bit because I quit a lucrative career to work there but lately I have been thinking about 1 of the things I love about it. We don't have those changeable church signs. Everyday on my way into the office I pass the same church sign. Recently a few have pushed my buttons so to speak. One week it said "Looking for a sign from God? Well this is it." And than proceeded to list their service times. I thought that especially arrogant that God had chosen their service times over any other. Plus it perpetuates one of my favorite myths that we should spend our lives waiting for some clearly visible sign from God over the more quiet relational ways He usually communicates.

The sign message a couple of weeks ago was especially timely as we were talking about Church at church. We were focusing on not being a building but being a group of people that go out and care about and for people. The adult message called it being rivers of life into the dead places. My insightful sign friends chose to post "Sign broken. Come in for message." And of course had the same helpful service times listed. I don't mean to pick on their sign, well actually I do because that is exactly the opposite of being a river of life. A building tells you where and when to come in. It's either open or it's closed. Rivers tend to run more on the 24/7 principle.

I just appreciate that for all our bumps and warts I do love the somewhat counter-church culture that we have. I am sure we can do more of that but as far as I know we don't have any tacky signs. With my flair for 1 liners I would love to have a crack at keeping a sign up to date but I don't think anyone would appreciate what I would have to say. I will have to think of some good ones and maybe drop off some suggestions for my sign friends.

Happy Birthday Dylan!

2008-11-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

The boy is 9 today. I always considered Brandie the one that babies him but I have to admit its weird thinking of my youngest being 9 and not just because of the implication on my age. The little guy has had a rough go lately with the new neighborhood and school but he is being very courageous and seems to be enjoying the fan fare over his birthday. I am glad he gets that recognition. Being the younger and more quiet sibling he often languishes in the shadows. We got to go laser tagging last week with a couple of his buddies as they had Friday off of school. It was fun especially since my vest was broken and did not register kills very easily so I smoked everyone. Consider this my confession since I haven't revealed that to the kids yet. As I reflect on Dylan and what he means to me, Matthew 3:17 comes to mind. "And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased." I not prescribing deity to my son, I just know I love the little bugger and I am proud to call him my son. He has a heart for God that I admire and challenges me. He is funny and smart. I am blessed to have him in my life. Even though the picture is quite old - it is one of my favorites because at an old car club I used to be in I would take the kids for rides around the track after the event was over. It was always a thrill for both of us and so it is one of my favorite memories with him. So Dylan on this your ninth of birthdays - Happy Birthday and I love you!

WWJD

2008-10-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

What would Jesus do? A very valid question completely ruined by the cheesy Christian merchandising machine. I don't need a bracelet, T-shirt, coffee mug or desk top pen set made from wood from the Holy Land engraved with this thought. However a couple of situations have come up this week that have had me literally asking what would Jesus do.

I met with my friend and fellow leader Charissa this week. I miss not working with her everyday but as Forest Gump would say - that's all I have to say about that. We were catching up but also talking about a direction God seems to have been taking our ministry. We have been blessed (and I don't mean that sarcastically for those of you that know my gift in that area) with several students with some alternative lifestyles. I don't know all the answers. At times it feels as if I have more questions than answers but I know that God loves them and desperately wants to have a relationship with them. I think it is amazing that they feel comfortable and willing to ask tough questions and I honestly believe God is at work in their lives. I am a little dumbfounded because in the past I have not been gracious or open to accept people that were that different than me. God did something amazing by allowing me to fall in love with some people and then learn about that aspect of their lives. It's much harder to hate when you are sitting knee to knee with someone close enough to wipe the tears from their eyes. Especially the ones you have caused. Generally I prefer to throw the first stone from far away. The only thing I do know thru out this is I keep asking myself - what would Jesus do? How would He love them? How would He challenge them to grow closer to Himself? I figure if I follow that mantra I can't go wrong.

The other situation arose when I heard from an old co-worker this week. I have been inviting her to church since we worked together. It has been one of those unique relationships where someone has seen my "testimony" at it's very worst but yet God keeps opening doors. I just have to remember ultimately it's not about me and regardless of my past mistakes of not living a very Christ-like life it's all about Jesus getting hold of someones life. Since she lives near the Shorewood campus, the conversation has started up anew. This week she indicated she might come, however she reminded me that the deal I struck when I worked with her was - the church of my choice for the bar of hers. I remember thinking I was pretty clever at the time but now my personal fears of reputation and what people think make me feel less so. Then I start wondering what would Jesus do. And I remember what Jesus did and does everyday - He meets people right where they are. Without qualification, without reservation, without any thought of self, He recklessly and wildly pursues His beloved creation. He gave of Himself til the point of even death. So I am again reminded that it is not about me. My poor decisions and over-indulgences of the past cannot overcome my friends need for Jesus. They can be a distraction and I am thankful that God has given me a chance to still introduce her to the Jesus I love. A bar of her choice is a small price to pay. And I will go to where she is knowing that Jesus will be with me all the way. In fact He is already there.

Maybe I need that desk set after all.

Why do they come?

2008-10-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

I recently was chatting with my friend Zach (like an hour ago). We were talking about the growth we have been experiencing at our Wednesday night student service. For the sake of not focusing on a number I will just say that our average attendance has jumped dramatically over last year. From our perspective as leaders we see all the challenges we experience on a nightly basis. Video elements that don't work or are poorly conceived, transitions that are abrupt or awkward, messages that aren't smoothly delivered. We see all these things but yet we continue to grow. So Zach's question was why do they come? It's a valid question. In fact it's a brilliant question. I recently read the book "It". The book attempts to deal with that question from the perspective of why do some people, some places, some experiences have the "It" factor. "It" can be hard to describe but you definitely recognize that something is special when you experience it.

I was pleased with the fact that I actually had a response for Zach's question. Until it came out of my mouth I am not sure it was a fully developed response but here is what I came up with. I don't think it has anything to do with great music, the best videos, amazing teaching (I know that's not the case!)or other programming elements. This is not an excuse to not improve because as a matter of personal pride I always want to grow and develop. In fact personal pride is what often stands in the way of people experiencing "It" in my opinion. If we have any bit of an "It" quality (and I believe we do) it's because I see an extremely high level of buy in. Students and leaders are not coming to a program or something they merely participate in. They own it. Our experience is theirs. They are the critical element. When they are there they make it happen, they provide the heart and soul of whatever we do. I see it as the difference between watching from the sidelines and being a player on the field. The students and leaders I am privileged to be with every week are fully engaged and you can sense that. When new people come they feel the energy and see the passion and it is contagious. I love it. My goal now, and I have actually been experiencing some anxiety about this recently, is to not get in the way of that.

Of course this all leads to another question - how did we get this level of buy in? I will let you know when I figure that out.

Chili and Surprises

2008-10-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do is cook. I don't do it a ton but when the mood strikes and I have the time I always enjoy it. I even thought of attending a cooking school at one point and who knows I might still someday but for now it is just a hobby I dabble in. In a couple of weeks I will be entering our annual chili cooking contest at Church. I won a couple of years ago so I am looking to regain my title. I even got on stage and talked a little smack last weekend. Competition and cooking all in the same event - does it get any better?

Some one asked me if I had a special secret recipe. Since the recipe is only known to me and not written down anywhere and is subject to change every time I make it, I think it qualifies as secret. Special is a whole other issue. Sometimes it comes out really spicy. Other times it is bold and full of flavor. When I am really lucky it is both. I think that may be part of what makes cooking Chili so much fun - it's always a surprise. Mostly good but sometimes not. A few years ago I had the dubious distinction of being a judge for a chili cook-off. That was a horrible experience. I never knew there could be so many ways to make bad chili out there. But there was. I have never eaten dog food but I suspected some of them would not even be fit for canine consumption. Again though the surprise is part of the mystique and excitement of chili - especially a cook-off where you sample lots of different ones.

All of this got me to thinking about how life is like a box of choca.... no, like a bowl of chili. Yesterday I got 2 distinct surprises - one was funny and the other decidedly was not. My wife revealed in a small group ice breaker that if given a week to spend with any group, anywhere, at anytime she would choose the Amish. I nearly pee'd myself laughing because my wife is an amazing women of unbelievable strength but also really likes her comforts. I can't imagine her for a week of no Diet Coke, iced coffee's, or hot showers. Upon explanation it seemed to make sense although I don't recall what it was but it surprised me. I love that after nearly 15 years of marriage and close to 20 years of knowing each other she still surprises me. It was a funny moment.

The not funny moment came when I discovered a former co-worker, who I had considered a friend, had been indicted and faced significant jail time for stealing from the company we both worked for in excess of $400,000. It was one of those unnerving revelations that someone I thought I knew pretty well was unimaginable corrupt. I still feel saddened by this more so than I would have expected. We were not close friends by any means but I never would have thought he was capable of this. I recall even defending his character on several occasions when we worked together. Certainly his greed, or whatever motivated him to do this, does not taint his entire person but if I may return to my chili analogy, it sure does give his particular flavor a bad after taste. I have and will continue to pray for him and his family. I cannot imagine facing the consequences and what that will mean for them.

The best chili is cooked slowly over a long period of time. It ultimately is a result of the influences of all the ingredients. The blending of different flavors that together produce an overall experience that is in the best case both bold and spicy. I can taste it know even as I type. The aroma that fills the house as it cooks. Even feel the anticipation of testing it and maybe adding a pinch of this or a dash of that. Or maybe I will sample it only to find - mmmm it's perfect. You never know what you are going to get in a bowl of chili.

More wisdom

2008-09-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

A lot of times it feels as if my interactions with my daughter Destiny involve our drastically different sense of style. Destiny is and always has been one of the more fiercely independent people I know. She has a sense of style that is all her own - hence the photo. Yesterday Brandie overheard a conversation of Destiny's with a neighborhood boy as she was outside playing with some friends. The boy apparently was lacing his end of the conversation with some language that was more vulgar then Destiny appreciated so being the strong person she is - she told him to stop. He of course responded with it was ok and he liked to talk that way. Destiny informed him that she was a Christian and did not like to talk that way. The boy apparently indicated he too was a Christian.

One of the challenges I see with students, and adults for that matter, is they tend to only apply their faith in certain areas. Some times it is limited to only while they are at church, or maybe only with certain friends, or maybe only in certain situations. Like the little boy in the neighborhood - like the behavior doesn't contradict the statement. Maybe there are different versions of Christianity and his version includes profanity? I suppose mine does too at times.

I don't intend this as a "my refuse doesn't stink" kind of thing. I just was very proud of my daughter yesterday that despite our differences on many, many things including hand socks - she believes as I do that Christianity is something that affects her whole life and guides her actions and even language around others. Not that we don't slip and fall periodically but if I am what I say I am then it stands for something. So again I thank one of my kids for a profound lesson and reminder of what it is all about.

From the mouths of babes

2008-09-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Brandie told me Dylan had shared with her he wanted to be a pastor when he grows up. Initially my response was to be flattered but understanding that little boys just want to do what their dad does. When I worked at the car dealership he wanted to do that too. But as the conversation progressed she said he has expressed this on numerous occasions and when pressed for the reason why Dylan responded with because I love to read the Bible. I am not sure what if any influence my current profession has on his desire. I was intrigued by this so I asked Dylan myself. He again indicated that he wanted to be a pastor because he loves reading the Bible and if he was a pastor he could do that more. Now I know it has nothing to do with my influence because I am rarely accused of reading the Bible all the time.

I was especially intrigued by this because I just finished reading the book "It" by Craig Groeschel. I really enjoyed the book and highly recommend everyone read "It". The premise is that some churches, ministries and/or people have a special quality that he calls it. It defies definition but you definitely know it when you see or experience it. The challenge that Craig gives is that especially as leaders of people, ministries or churches we have a responsibility to fall more in love with Jesus every day. From that passion springs forth an understanding that God moves and works in my life and anything good is because of Him. The danger is that we tend to focus on us and what we do or need to do as being the most important thing but "It" is all about Jesus and His Spirit working in us and through us. For me the lesson from my son and from Craig was the same. If I am a pastor I get to do what I love which is to learn more about God, fall in love with His son Jesus more every day, and see His Spirit at work in and through my life. I had to read a book - Dylan just gets it. So this week - we are going to read the Bible together. I can't wait to see what else Dylan can teach me.

The way staff meetings should be

2008-09-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our monthly "All Staff" meeting. I guess I am new enough that they haven't become mundane to me yet but I confess especially lately it has been easy to focus on how much I have to do. The meeting plan was to spend some time in prayer and worship over people who are far from God. The 67% as we tend to refer to them because of a statistic that referenced 67% of people do not have a relationship with Jesus. Some people were asked to prayer specifically and then others were invited to prayer for their ministry, campus or just the specific people on their hearts. From there we would return to our normal stuff which isn't bad stuff by any means. We have been blessed with some great stuff in staff meetings lately - Scott Hodge, Alan Hirsch and that Dave Ferguson is no slouch either. As the prayer time unfolded it became apparent that God's Spirit was really powerful in that place. The staff that prayed out loud poured out their hearts and their passion for helping people was so apparent. It was really cool. Dave responded to the Spirit and just scrapped whatever else we were going to do and we just spend the whole time and a little extra just praying and worshipping. I know I needed it big time. I need Jesus to intersect my life when I get focused on me and what I have to do all the time even if it is something good like ministry. I need to know that the people I am in the trenches with working, creating, and sweating along side are there because they love Jesus and love His people.

The cool part was after the meeting I got to have lunch with my friend Nick. I have really come to appreciate my meetings with him in a new way. First it is just plain fun. We love to laugh, at each other, life and the crazy people we get to work with. It's also great joy to strategize and talk about ministry. What can we do different, better, more - all of that. As we took a moment and reflected on the events of the morning Nick, as usual, made a poignant statement. He said "I bet you don't miss staff meetings from a year ago." A reference to my "old days" in the car business. Another excellent reminder that I am so lucky to be where I am doing what I am. I love doing this! And I love the people I get to do it with. I worked for a long time doing something I didn't have any passion for and it is so good to not be in that environment anymore.

And I love when Jesus knocks me off my donkey - what a great day!

With

2008-09-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

This is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately because it is the name of the first series we are doing at StuCo this year. With. It is so simple yet so complex. I have been considering my relationships and who I am with. Because of the addition of my responsibilities at the Shorewood campus I am about to be "with" more people. That is going to be the single greatest challenge in my mind as I attempt to balance the responsibility of 2 locations instead of just 1. More leaders, more students, more parents - more people to be "with". It should be a good thing - a very good thing.

The challenge of the "With" series really is about who are we influencing and who is influencing us. The fact that I get to influence people is something that both humbles me and challenges me. I want to be an inspiring leader - as leaders inspire me. I never want to take for granted the awesome privilege it is to encourage, support, challenge or otherwise influence someone on their journey of finding their way back to God. I know the people that have served that purpose for me are very dear to me even if they are no longer near to me.

When a message challenges me as I prepare it, I find that I enjoy it a lot more as I grow through the progression of development. So I find myself embracing the idea of how can I be intentional in my relationships. Of course for me, I always seem to learn best through failure and I had a significant 1 with my most important earthly relationship over the weekend. I once again neglected to be intentional with a relationship I should be most intentional with and not only that selfishly lashed out. Now I need to begin to rebuild and invest anew where I should never have withdrawn. Interesting how I can spend so much time thinking about something and than completely miss the application of the idea.

The challenge then is this - who are you with? Who do you choose to be an influencer with and have influence over you? Who has God directed your steps to and how is He stirring in you to step out and be His voice to? It's an amazing thing that God let's us be part of that process and is so cool when we allow Him to use us. Of course if you are not with God in the 1st place, than get with the program.

A-rest-ed!

2008-08-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing happened on the way to small group. No I didn't get arrested. But I learned something. It did not actually happen on the way to group. It happened at group and I am not actually surprised that I learned something. So basically that is the worst intro ever but here is what I walked away with. Our apprentice leader Joe did an awesome job. We are reading through the John Ortberg book "The Life You Have Always Wanted." A deceptive and presumptive title we all decided last night. We read the chapter on scripture reading. Joe challenged as all to really apply the chapter and commit to truly meditating on a verse, a chapter or a book of the Bible. I loved the challenge. It was just what I needed to be honest. It's so easy to get busy and not or to just read as if it's a checklist activity and I can mark it off and move on and never experience the life transformation that is possible.

So my scripture that I have chosen is Psalm 62:1-2. "I find my rest in God alone. He is the one who saves me. He alone is my rock. He is the one who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure." I have chosen this because I was recently challenged, either from the book or a message or maybe a combination, on the idea of relying on God for my rest. I have not been a restful sleeper for years. I fall asleep almost immediately. My wife jokes I am like the little toy doll that you lay down and the eyes close because I usually pass out from exhaustion as soon as I am anywhere resembling the prone position. However I never stay that way. Invariable I wake up every hour or two. My mind never rests. As soon as I wake up a myriad of important or mundane things flood my minds eye and I cannot sleep. I toss and turn. I cannot remember the last time I woke up refreshed. The point that somebody was making was that when we do not trust God for our rest we take on all our worries and anxieties because we have to figure them out ourselves. When I trust God and allow my self to relax in His rest because He is in control then I am free to truly refresh and rest. I have pondered this - usually in the wee hours of the night when I am not sleeping. My conclusion is that I need to put it in practice but how do you do that? I cannot stop thinking anymore then I can just will myself to be less hairy. I have to find a way to take those thoughts captive and not by trying to maintain a "blank screen" in my mind. The thoughts have to be taken captive and the point of this weeks chapter is it is when I meditate on the scriptures that I replace the thoughts and distractions with God's word. I like that idea especially as it pertains to my rest dilemma. So here is my plan. Bearing in mind I am neither artistic or excessively computer savvy I have created a plaque to put on my bedside table with Psalm 62:1-2 on it. It is my intention to read it every night as I go to bed to remind me that my rest comes from the Lord. He is my rock and my fortress. It is because of Him that I have what I do and that I get to serve in the way I do. I am anxious to see what impact it has and I am also anxious to see what my fellow group members come up with. There is so much growth taking place in so many people in the group right now. It is such a privilege to be apart of it.

triple hot dog dare

2008-08-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

I don't consider myself a hardcore conspiracy theorist but I do enjoy the occasional milder, gentler conspiracy. One of the ones I have developed involves the fact that much of the entertainment industry products are produced based on a dare. For instance I recently went and saw the movie Wanted. It is grotesquely violent so I am not promoting your viewership, merely using it as an illustration in an attempt to justify and therefore redeem my viewership of it. The premise of the movie is that a group of assassins use the variance of stitching from this loom to determine who fate has pre-selected for elimination. Really? A killer loom? Stitches in fabric that determine who lives or dies? You cannot tell me that a plot like that did not develop from a conversation that went something like this -
Writer 1: I bet you can't make an action movie about a loom.
Writer 2: I could if I wanted but that's lame so I don't.
Writer 1: I dare you.
Writer 2: I shall call it Wanted and cast Angelina Jolie.

I also consider most country western music to be conceived by this method as well.
Country Music writer 1: I bet you can't make a song about the color of a tractor.
Country Music writer 2: I could if I wanted but that's lame so I don't.
Country Music writer 1: I dare you.
Country Music writer 2: I know this guy named Joe Diffe and I like John Deere's a lot .....

You see my point. There is a point where creativity and fresh ideas give way to good old fashion dares. I suspect this is how it works for guys at least since we will take a dare for just about anything. Girls are more girlie and might not take every dare.

I will not cover the etiquette of the dare system and how it escalates from dare to the coveted triple dog dare. That was covered most thoroughly including illustration in the greatest holiday movie ever made "A Christmas Story". The reason I bring dares in the hollowed space that is my blog is because possible my creative excellence has been adversely affected and tainted by the dare process. I most recently blogged about my loving wife and although the words were mine and totally genuine I must confess I was dared to write about her. Yesterday I was discussing with my mother all of life's little pleasures and I overheard my father telling someone else about one of my favorite growing up stories. My mom then proceeded to dare me to blog about it. I believe it was a sarcastic reference but none the less the gauntlet had been dropped.

So I don't remember the specific circumstances surrounding it but suffice to say that on several occasions growing up I would with great expectation and indeed anticipation open my lunch box at school to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but instead of the normal slices of bread bookending my little piece of heaven there would be a hot dog bun. Yes a hot dog bun. At first I was a little put off by this unusual culinary combination but upon questioning my mother she, the woman sworn to protect and love me, informed me it was a "special treat". It was her special way of breaking up the monotony that is elementary school lunch. A symbol of her love and sincere concern for my lunch time experience. With this warm blanket of her love draped around me I proudly proclaimed to my lunch time companions the next time I received this truly unique, one of a kind testament to my mothers love that I had a "special treat."

The innocence of youth lingered well into my single years. One day when struck with a powerful hunger combined with a homesickness I went to my barren kitchen and longed for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But alas I had no bread but there in the deep recesses of the freezer I found them - hot dog buns. My memory stirred and I returned to a time long ago where I had received a "special treat." And now I could recreate this special treat for myself. However as I pondered further the developing situation in front of me a sickening revelation formed in my hunger clouded mind. It had not been a "special treat" just for me. Mom had merely been out of bread. Innocence was lost that day.

Yesterday my mom not only dared me to blog but then she bragged that it had taken me over 10 years to discover her deception. She was proud of what she had done and how long it had lasted. It leads me to wonder what other frauds she perpetrated on me, what other conspiracies did I suffer? I may never know. But Mom I still love you and in the ultimate twist of fate I know have 2 kids and I am carrying on the proud tradition of deceiving them. Nothing major mind you but you know what - it's kind of fun. Maybe it was a dare that got my mom started. It went something like this.
Mom 1: I bet you can't convince your kid that hot dog bun peanut butter and jelly is a treat.
Mom 2: Oh I can - he's not that bright.

Inspiration

2008-08-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

I have been convicted lately that as a leader of any size group or responsibility that I need to be an inspiring leader. People have an amazing capacity to give, sacrifice, and just plain work hard when they are inspired and when they feel like what they do matters and somebody appreciates their contribution.

I am not sure I fully understand what this means for me. I think I have moments where I do this well but it seems too often I loose sight of how important it is or even how to be inspiring. It occurred to me that one way is to examine the things that inspire me. There are many things that inspire me from things as simple as cars, football or music. More complex things inspire me like relationships or people. My kids inspire me with their innocence and wonderment. My small group inspires me as I see people growing in their relationship with Jesus.

Lots of inspiration from lots of places. I am not sure if there is a common thread through all those things and maybe I should examine that more but for now I want to focus on one particular source of inspiration. In the movie As Good As It Gets with Jack Nicholson there is a line that has always stuck with me. It is a little disturbing that a neurotic nearly phobic-ly paralyzed character is the one I resonate with but the line is "You make me want to be a better man." For some reason that has always stuck with me. I think at our core we all are deeply aware of our shortcomings and where we do not measure up. Most of my time is spent trying to cover that up with accomplishments or false bravado. But when I get inspired it makes me want to grow, to change those things about me that are less than they should be and not just for myself but because I have found someone who deserves the very best. In that person I have found motivation to be the best I can be, to grow, and to give more. Other than my Lord Jesus Christ I have only one other person that stirs that inspiration in me and that is Brandie. So this is my humble attempt to use your name as an acronym to describe how you inspire me.

B is because you are beautiful. Your grace and mercy that pours out of you is beautiful in the face of the ugliness that is my judgemental cynicism.

R is for ready. You are always ready for any challenge that comes your way. You have a fearless strength that you can get through anything. I have seen that demonstrated so many ways, so many times this crazy year.

A as in always faithful. You give with endless love that makes me feel like my heart is glass of water next to your endless ocean.

N means naughty which I don't have to explain other than to say you excite me like nothing else ever.

D because you are devoted. As a wife, as a mother - your mission is clear and your pursue it with passion and fierceness.

I Simple put because I love you. I always have - from the first moment on that dark porch going to a softball tournament.

E - you are everything to me and I apologize a 1000 times for not letting you know that every day.

You inspire me to be a better man. Thank you.

Son of Thunder

2008-08-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

I was recently discussing with one of my blogging collegues and an as of yet non-blogger the content of our respective or theoritical blogs. I have avoided the somewhat traditional family photos and mushy anecdotes about my cuter then yours kids. However this leaves me in the stuffy, my thoughts are deeper than yours camp. I am not sure that excessive depth has ever been an insult levied at me. So all of these has inspired me to not fall into the trap of thinking my excessively lengthy opinions are what the world is dying to read. And by world I mean the 3 people that read my blog.

That brings me to my first funny observation of the day. I recently was chatting with my brother which in and of itself may not seem like a special occasion since he lives locally. However he might as well live on the moon as often as we see each other. The subject of my entrance into the blogging world came up and he commented that he heard I was blogging and that it was quite good. I was startled by that accusation so I forced him to tell me who had made such an egregious error in judgement. He told me our mother had told him although in the same sentence he mentioned that he didn't think she had actually read it. I found this humorous on multiple levels. Most of all it just reminded me of the power of a mother's love. She just knows I am blogging and she loves me so that is good enough. It must be great. She may or may not even know what a blog is. It could be a contagious disease but since I am her child I will do it better than anyone else. So in case you ever do read it - thanks Mom. I burnt some chicken last night but I did it to the best of my ability - you would have been so proud.

Finally, I was a little bored - ok a lot of bored this morning at my on again off again career as a barista. I started playing the ridiculous what can I google game. After googling some long lost friends (Peter you should totally give the dude his $100 deposit back) I lamely googled my name. Several references came up but the one that caught my eye was the apparent arabic meaning of my last name Raad. It means thunder. Now other than the obvious flatulant implications I was most excited to find that there is a Raad missle. How many people have a missle named after them? I mean seriously. I have only begun to explore the myriad of possibilities of how I can use this information. For the sake of keeping this blog PG rated I will stop there but this has greatly increased my enjoyment of an oft mis-spelled & mis-pronounced name.

Well, I have to blast off (get it - I am a missle) but this has been fun. At least for me. And probable my mom whether she reads it or not.

Where do I withhold?

2008-08-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

At Jr. High Camp I got to give 2 messages. The impact of these 2 messages went far beyond what I could have hoped and dreamed. And that was just for me. I have gotten lots of feedback that many others were impacted as well which is an enormous honor.

The second message was about community. The idea that part of Moving to Jesus, which was our theme, is moving in community. It was a fun message because it used the narrative of Ananias and Saphira which is not your normal text to preach from. The story if you don't know or forgot is from Acts 5. The first church is an amazing story and a place where people gave in amazingly generous ways. Some people had houses or lands and they sold them and laid the money at the apostles feet to be distributed to those who had need. After the story of Joseph who was one such person we meet Ananias and Saphira who also sold a field but they withheld from their community by keeping a portion for themselves but saying it was all. The story is unique in that the outcome is they die instantly which wasn't your normal New Testament God story. It is also seemingly harsh since they gave most of the money so it's easy to say yikes what's the big deal. The story is about withholding. Not money. I enjoyed unpacking the idea of how we withhold from our community when we keep parts of who we are and what we have for ourselves. True genuine community deserves the best that we are, all our gifts and talents.

So all of this is fresh in my mind as I have been riding the wave of the success of camp. More details of this will follow when I am able to share but again it is at the forefront of my mind certainly. And as I process all of this I am reading an interesting book given to me called Sex and the Soul. It is about life on college campuses and students quest to reconcile the promiscuous atmosphere with their spiritual or religious views. I am not very far along but as I read through the interviews with students it is mind-blowing how there is such a disconnect for most young people between their religious, spiritual, moral beliefs and their sex lives. As I read this I am struck by a couple of other circumstances I encountered this week where people in my lives who have been moved by Jesus and have a relationship with Him struggle to reconcile that with various aspects of their lives - relationally, monetarily, professionally - whatever. It started me thinking where do I withhold? What aspects of my life do I seem to have this inexplicable disconnect of my faith? I know I have made tremendous steps in applying my faith to more areas of my life this year but what else have I not brought under the Lordship of Jesus Christ? For many students I work with they struggle with this duality that causes them to be one way around certain friends where they can talk about their faith and what Jesus means to them but then with other groups they act totally different. The subtlety when you are in it is so easy to accept but from the outside it is as glaring as some of the stories I read about in this book where college students don't even consider their faith and their sex lives connected.

I know for a lot of people money is the area they withhold. They are committed Christ-followers who believe in the mission of the local church. They give of their time and do give money but to really say that their money is actually God's and looking to honor Him with it instead of considering it their own is totally foreign. I was that way for a long time. I gave but because I should or I was afraid I would jinx myself and God would punish me. Giving up "my" money was so hard. I withheld a lot.

I am a big fan of t-shirts. My wife likes to point this out regularly that I have more t-shirts than the rest of family has clothes. They are comfortable and if they are funny then all the better. I will admit there are some that I do have to be selective of where I wear them. I am not sure that beer slogans or sexual innuendo are appreciated at StuCo. So I choose where and when I can wear them. Some I enjoy but truthfully will never see the light of day. The ones I know people like or laugh at I tend to wear more often. And of course the ones that flatter my less than muscular physique probable get the most action. For too long I have treated my faith like a t-shirt. I choose who to wear it around or when I like to have it on. I take it on and off and exchange it when I don't feel like wearing it. I want it to be popular and make me look good. I am withholding from my community when I say that my faith does not permeate every part of me and every aspect of my life. I can't help it. When will I learn it's not a t-shirt - it's my freakin skin. It is me and how can I give every part of me to this community.

When I do I am the most powerful force on the planet!

What is communication

2008-08-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am currently at our annual junior high camp. I have had the opportunity to be one of the session speakers. This is an amazing opportunity for a variety of reasons. First our student community team is incredible talented. I am truly humbled to serve with them. This week we all brought our A game. It has been really fun to be a part of. Not only did we all prepare and practice thoroughly, I really got the sense from each and every one who spoke or led worship that we all spent the most time praying over the week and asking God to move through us and in the lives of students. A lot of times at a conference or event it takes a while to build up the intensity and for students to engage but it seemed like from the word go the students were really being impacted. We saw about a dozen students make first time commitments to a relationship with Jesus. Dozens more expressed or publicly declared decisions that they had previously made. I think everyone is walking away with a renewed sense of God moving in their lives. And the week isn't even over yet - we have one more session to go tonight. It has been absolutely amazing.

What struck me as I prepared and then delivered my messages and I listened to my fellow communicators was how much time and energy I put into communicating in a large group setting. I will be honest I am one of those weird people that is not nervous speaking in front of large groups. I am not sure why as many other things terrify me but not that. Sure I get nervous that I will say something stupid or inappropriate (and I often do) or that I will just forget some key part of a message. But in the end getting up in front of large crowds is actually fun for me. I enjoy it. I realized though that communication is something that occurs almost constantly. Those large group moments get a lot of focus and attention but I think I forget or underestimate how much communication I do in every other moment. I even communicate when I don't communicate. I came to a painful and uncomfortable realization with someone this week that my lack of communication to them about something had in turn communicated something to them that I never intended which is apathy. I wonder if for someone like myself who prides themselves on being a good communicator in front of crowds it is more difficult to communicate one on one. Maybe it's just me. Marriage has been an arena where I often get frustrated about communication. It never seems like I do the right kind, at the right time or in the right way. This is in no way a dig to my wife. She is an amazingly patient woman. I often tell her that I don't intentionally not communicate with her I just assume she knows everything I know. Like if it has gone through my brain it must have passed through hers as well. But that is another example of communication that occurs unintentionally. When I leave her out of key details or even mundane experiences it communicates something to her I never intend.

I don't really have any random brilliance on how to solve this problem other than just for me I think I need to remember that all the prayer, preparation and effort I put into public speaking I also need to invest in my more personal forms of communications. For me at times it is less intimidating to speak to a large group than it is a single person. Just as we are challenging the students this week in boldness I too need to be challenged to boldly go beyond my comfort zone and learn the true art of communication in every thing I do. I think Jesus was probable a very gifted public speaker. Speaking with absolute authority as the Son of God definitely gives you an edge but even beyond that he drew large crowds whenever He spoke. He must have had good jokes! But as I look at His life He spent enormous amounts of time one and one with people communicating with them and what He communicated was love and how much He valued them. I think that what made Him so engaging was He wasn't just preaching, He communicated love and respect. I suspect in that area I have a great deal to learn about being a communicator.

What am I handing off

2008-08-01T04:51:00.000-07:00

I have recently had to consider the possibility of turning over a couple of things that I have been working on to someone else because of new opportunities. Whenever I am presented with a new adventure I spend a lot of time looking forward. A sort of anxious energy takes over and I find myself daydreaming about what this new chapter will hold. I suspect I spend too much time anticipating the future and neglecting the present. That may be an entry for another time. What has fascinated me is how these opportunities have caused me to look at what I am potentially handing off to someone else. Just like in a football game the exchange between players of the ball is critical. If one or the other fumbles the ball than catastrophe ensues. So a lot of time and energy by way of practice and planning occurs to make sure the exchange is smooth and I think I get that. That is not necessarily new information. In order for any transition to occur smoothly the hand off must be successful. However I have been thinking about what am I handing off. In my sports analogy, what is the ball?

I am on staff at a multi-site church. It's a fun environment but a challenging one at times. It's easy to feel like things are moving so fast that no one would notice if I fell off the ride. We talk all the time about reproduction and not in just the sexual sense. Everything we do is dependent on our ability to reproduce what we do. I understand the benefits of reproducing myself by investing in others, it is ultimately the example that Jesus set. The 2 Timothy 2:2 principle. I even understand the idea that as I build ministry programs that there is benefit in considering is this something I can reproduce. I used to run into that challenge all the time in the business world as a service manager. Was I prepared to do something for a customer once or was it something I could reproduce and offer to every customer? What has surprised me through the process is considering what am I handing over. How much do I value it? How much does it mean to me personally? Am I proud to hand it over or do I look on it with shame and embarrassment?

This process has produced in me this self examination of not just the things affected by these new opportunities but everything. As a Christ follower I believe everything in my life is a gift from God. Too often though I treat the things I do and the relationships I have as my own. The danger is if they are mine to own then I do not ever consider the fact that someday somebody else might own them. Do I really hold all the things I do, and that are so dear to me as the precious gifts they are? Mine to steward and experience for however long God deems appropriate. If I really approach everything from the standpoint that I may have to turn it over to someone else then I treat them differently. I think about it a lot as it pertains to my kids. As they get older I do hand them off relationally to friends, coworkers, romantic relationships or whomever. Have I invested in my kids so that when I hand them over to other relationships of significance am I proud of what I have handed off? Do I properly communicate to them and therefore to the other people they will relate to how much I value that relationship? Do they know that I consider every moment I spend with them a precious gift from God? Only if I act that way. Only if I dedicate the time, energy, blood, sweat, tears and whatever else is required to invest in them and raise them up to be able to reproduce that same thing in their relationships. I just have really been challenged to consider everything I do from the perspective that it is mine to steward and care for only for a set period of time. I need to do it in a manner that makes it something I am proud to hand off. Something that is hopefully better off for the time spent with me and hopefully I am better off for having invested myself in something.

It's 2 for 1 day - So I wonder

2008-07-31T08:46:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many blog entries have started with that phrase or some variation. I wonder, as I sit and ponder, I was thinking, it struck me ....... Is it possible that as a species we think to much? I suppose (another variation) that can not be said of every member of our species. I have met a few that could stand to stop and think a little more - myself included at times. I do think (can't stop now!) that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking. Like somehow if I approach a problem from every conceivable angle a myriad of times then the magical, fix everything solution will present itself and all my struggles will cease (I picture trumpets sounding in that moment) thus ushering in an eternity of peace and tranquility. That sounds ludicrous and not just because it was an abnormally long sentence (it feels like I am over-using parenthesis?). I mean who really believes that.

I do apparently. It's the reason I don't sleep well. I just replay scenarios in my head over and over. I fall asleep quickly because ultimately my problems and/or life is boring but I always wake up and start the mental wrestling match up again. My constant tossing and turning is a real treat to my wife. All part of my endearing charm hon!

The other night I collapsed into bed exhausted as usual. Diabetes is a convenient scapegoat I find for a variety of things like being tired all the time. It's kind of like owning a dog for the sole purpose of having something else to blame your own foul odors on. Kids are good for that too! That felt like a good place for another parenthesis but I resisted (aren't you proud of me).

Anyhoo I could tell my body was exhausted, darn diabetes, but yet my mind was going a million miles an hour. I knew my tossing and turning was going to be Olympics gold medal quality and I became frustrated. It occurred to me (another variation) because I had heard or read it somewhere, that my mental anguishing over things stands in the way of a lot of things and is an implication about how deep my faith is. Now hear me, I have not adopted a hakuna matata*, Joel Olsteen claim it kind of mentality, where as a Christian I shouldn't care about my problems. I think it just kind of clicked with me as I lay there that if I take on the weight of all my problems and all the responsibility for their outcome I am leaving God totally out of it. I am saying it is all up to me to figure it out and then I suppose I let God back in to help give me the strength to engage my plan. My faith should be rooted firmly enough that I can have full awareness of my struggles but know that God is in control. I can rest secure in the knowledge that even when the Utopian circumstances don't occur that my God is in control. He is near to me in the valley of the shadow of death and He welcomes me to the mountain tops equally. This may be a revelation that most people don't get or maybe occurred to them already but in that moment it was more real to me then the pillow my weary, diabetic head rested on. Something, maybe a mustard seed (that was too clever not to use parenthesis), started to grow inside me. It still is diminutive in size but I can feel my reliance on God and how He brings refuge to the downtrodden growing. It's exciting. Dare I say it even gives me hope.

Of course since then I have gone to bed too late and gotten up to early to test my emerging faith and ability to sleep well. I hope to test the theory soon. Maybe even tonight.

*Yes I looked up how to spell it

Come on everybody is doing it

2008-07-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

I pointed out in my initial post that I often resist getting into things sometimes just to be contrary. I am convinced this why I have a mental block and do not find the Office funny. But as I was considering how proud I am of my independent streak the other day I realized when I finally do dismount my high horse I usually make up for lost time by being totally obsessed. Case in point, I can think of several situations recently. I remember when the Ebay craze hit several years ago - you know back when it was private people selling their uber-valuable crap not every unemployed person with a computer and their own "store". I was fashionable late to that party but then dedicated more time and energy to winning auctions at the last possible second then I care to admit. Do I even still have any of those treasures - NO! I was a freak. I was 10 second Tim and not because of a short term memory problem or lake of stamina. It was my goal to win every auction I could within the last 10 seconds. I was a bidding fool. Another recent craze (why do they all involve buying stuff?) was Craigslist. I remember my friend Caleb telling me about all these great sports tickets he would buy there. I thought it sounded wierd and possible immoral, which in certain sections it most certainly is! Eventually I caved on that one too. I shopped for hours for cars I would never own and would never give a second look at if I saw in person, but somehow on Craigslist they become this holy grail-esque prize of untold beauty. Those of you that know my obsession with old Camaro's may really question the use of the word beauty there. I can think of numerous other things that once I got over my snobbery and drank the koolaid I became the biggest addict on the block. Although I usually dropped them just as quickly like the bad habit they were.

So I wonder if blogging will become the same thing. So far I have resisted the urge to blog every day but I have picked up my blog stalking efforts and find myself being critical of other bloggers. Like somehow their brief comments on nothing of significance or their mundane posts about family stuff is not up to my high standards. I feel the trickle of koolaid down my throat. I wonder if in a while I will neglect this blog like I discarded my 10 second Tim persona. Although I do still wander to Craigslist occasionally in search of the perfect Camaro. Yes, I did just use the words perfect and Camaro in the same sentence.

Attention all you bloggers out there - I am watching!

And waiting for when I don't give a crap anymore and throw up the occasional picture or inadequately crafted prose.

Passenger seat

2008-07-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

The funny thing about being a car guy is it usually generates one of two conversations. The first is the similar to the one somebody in the medical field probable has which revolves around diagnosing some problem with a vehicle without every seeing the "patient" or hearing the mysterious but should be obvious to me noise. Of course the appropriate response as a card carrying car guy is "Ooooh , sounds expensive!"

The second conversation invariable has to do with your driving and the suggestion that either "you have got to ride with this guy" or "unless your insurance is up to day don't get in the passenger seat." I suspect I generate more of the second. There are a few brave souls (or brain damaged) that seem to cherish the thrill and become your unsolicited advocates as if they earn some sort of commission on the number of years you extract from each unsuspecting person's life. My friend Nick is one such advocate. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he is brave not brain damaged but after years in youth ministry my diagnosis is suspect. Nick actually seems to enjoy riding in the car with me occastionally (why tempt fate more often).

This blog entry is not really about documenting my .... ahem .... enthusiastic driving skills. As I was reflecting on my initial post and this theme of driving, I began to think about different driving experiences I have had. Most track experiences involve an instructor that gives you pointers on how to control your vehicle or how to navigate the track. And yes find the apex of each corner. I have been blessed to have many good instructors over the years both in the car and outside of it. Eventually at a track event once you are deemed only a mild threat to those around you, they give you the opportunity to go "solo". The funny thing about being solo is it isn't as much fun because there is no one there to give you suggestions or see how truly cool you are. Inevitable if you can maintain your, only a mild threat status, you get the opportunity to instruct others. This involves them riding with you and you riding with them. Luckily I have gotten to experience this both inside the car and in life. This all lends me to the overwhelming sense that "passengers" in life make all the difference. I have many people in my life that instruct me. They are critical to my success. Not only can I not navigate without them, I don't want to try. It is something that I do not think I recognize often enough and I know I do not thank them to the extent that I should. There are many more than I could list and if I did I would certainly absent mindedly skip someone so to all of you, you know who you are, I say thanks. And to those that I have the opportunity to share my experience with I also say thanks because it is an incredible honor. The best parts of me are always the ones that I give away.

So I encourage you (the 3 of you that read my blog) to keep looking for those apexes and pay attention to those that would be your passengers. Happy motoring!

And don't worry eventually I will run out of automotive metaphors but after this is bathroom humor so trust me this is better.

So it begins

2008-07-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

My contrary side usually moves me to be the last to join or do anything that I perceive to be trendy or going with the flow. So it is with much consternation that I have overcome this unattractive character trait and joined the blogging world. It may be like diets, exercising or countless other noble and possible healthy pursuits that I flirt with rather than fully committing too. However, right now, today I am dedicated.

Apex is a word that according to the dictionary means the tip or pinnacle of something. I struggled for a long time (more than 5 minutes) about what to call my blog. I heard someone said once at a church planting conference that the suspected main draw for church planters was to get to name their own church. There is something cool about naming something I suppose. I confess I have friends that have named blog sites after clever variations or plays on their names. No one can pronounce mine properly and hot Raad (rod for you non-Norseman) got pretty old as a kid. I suppose I could go with a description of some incredible personal talent or skill like some other people I know. Sarcasm isn't really an interesting blog title.

So I return to this word Apex. The dictionary definition is not really why I am attracted to the word. There certainly is a substantial portion of my energy and life dedicated to my perception of success which is often described or characterized in tip, pinnacle or various other mountain peak analogies. I am more referencing the word as a racing term. In racing the apex of a corner is the middle of the corner, the balance point if you will. The apex is the perfect center where slowing or braking has happened, turning is happening and acceleration resumes. The difference between taking a corner fast or slow is dependent upon being able to identify this balance point. You could be in the fastest race car or the slowest bucket of bolts - they all have the same apex point. Race tracks have all kinds of corners with all kinds of apexes - early ones, late ones, even double ones. But the apex still remains. That point where your momentum has slowed sufficiently to undertake a course correction at exact right moment so you can increase your speed as quickly as possible in the desired direction. Too much speed when you begin to turn and you will loose control. Too much braking before you begin to turn and the corner feels hopelessly slow. When you fail to identify the apex it becomes necessary to make several turns or adjustments rather then fluidly moving through the corner. Missing the apex means not being able to accelerate as soon as you can. Momentum is lost.

There is a rush unlike anything else when you apex a corner perfectly. Then as you begin to put together a succession of corners you experience a rhythm and your speed increases lap over lap. It is a harmony between you, the car, and the forces of nature. Balance! How many times in life have I stopped dead looking at a corner in front of me? I wonder should I take the corner - where does it lead - I don't know. Maybe I should back up and return the way I came. Or how many times the opposite, charging into a turn in life with such speed and intensity completely disregarding the laws of physics that will see to it that I spin out of control. There are those few times almost seemingly by accident that balance is achieved. Harmony reached with such sweet victory. That is success.

I think part of the reason I like apex beyond just the racing implications and the fact that I get to put a cool car picture up top is that for me I fall victim to the idea that balance and harmony are achieved by the absence of conflict. An apex does not occur on a straightaway or in the pits. It is in the midst of a turn. It always involves a change of direction. I take great peace and comfort in the fact that I can experience balance and harmony in the middle of some pretty anxious turns.

I feel the rush of speed as I am propelled towards the next turn. My whole body tenses as I apply pressure to the brakes and the weight of my body shifts forward against the safety belt. The nervous sweat is everywhere except my palms which grip the steering wheel as I see the corner looming large in front of me. Now at the perfect point of speed and timing I turn into the corner fixated on that place where I know I must go. The Apex. I feel it as much as I see it. The forces of gravity tug at me as if trying to pull me right out of the car. There it is! I feel the forces ease just a bit and I can see the exit and stare down the track to the lane opening in front of me. I allow myself to roll onto the accelerator and feel the rush of momentum rocket me forward. It was perfect.

Now on to the next corner!