I wonder how many blog entries have started with that phrase or some variation. I wonder, as I sit and ponder, I was thinking, it struck me ....... Is it possible that as a species we think to much? I suppose (another variation) that can not be said of every member of our species. I have met a few that could stand to stop and think a little more - myself included at times. I do think (can't stop now!) that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking. Like somehow if I approach a problem from every conceivable angle a myriad of times then the magical, fix everything solution will present itself and all my struggles will cease (I picture trumpets sounding in that moment) thus ushering in an eternity of peace and tranquility. That sounds ludicrous and not just because it was an abnormally long sentence (it feels like I am over-using parenthesis?). I mean who really believes that.
I do apparently. It's the reason I don't sleep well. I just replay scenarios in my head over and over. I fall asleep quickly because ultimately my problems and/or life is boring but I always wake up and start the mental wrestling match up again. My constant tossing and turning is a real treat to my wife. All part of my endearing charm hon!
The other night I collapsed into bed exhausted as usual. Diabetes is a convenient scapegoat I find for a variety of things like being tired all the time. It's kind of like owning a dog for the sole purpose of having something else to blame your own foul odors on. Kids are good for that too! That felt like a good place for another parenthesis but I resisted (aren't you proud of me).
Anyhoo I could tell my body was exhausted, darn diabetes, but yet my mind was going a million miles an hour. I knew my tossing and turning was going to be Olympics gold medal quality and I became frustrated. It occurred to me (another variation) because I had heard or read it somewhere, that my mental anguishing over things stands in the way of a lot of things and is an implication about how deep my faith is. Now hear me, I have not adopted a hakuna matata*, Joel Olsteen claim it kind of mentality, where as a Christian I shouldn't care about my problems. I think it just kind of clicked with me as I lay there that if I take on the weight of all my problems and all the responsibility for their outcome I am leaving God totally out of it. I am saying it is all up to me to figure it out and then I suppose I let God back in to help give me the strength to engage my plan. My faith should be rooted firmly enough that I can have full awareness of my struggles but know that God is in control. I can rest secure in the knowledge that even when the Utopian circumstances don't occur that my God is in control. He is near to me in the valley of the shadow of death and He welcomes me to the mountain tops equally. This may be a revelation that most people don't get or maybe occurred to them already but in that moment it was more real to me then the pillow my weary, diabetic head rested on. Something, maybe a mustard seed (that was too clever not to use parenthesis), started to grow inside me. It still is diminutive in size but I can feel my reliance on God and how He brings refuge to the downtrodden growing. It's exciting. Dare I say it even gives me hope.
Of course since then I have gone to bed too late and gotten up to early to test my emerging faith and ability to sleep well. I hope to test the theory soon. Maybe even tonight.
*Yes I looked up how to spell it
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Come on everybody is doing it
I pointed out in my initial post that I often resist getting into things sometimes just to be contrary. I am convinced this why I have a mental block and do not find the Office funny. But as I was considering how proud I am of my independent streak the other day I realized when I finally do dismount my high horse I usually make up for lost time by being totally obsessed. Case in point, I can think of several situations recently. I remember when the Ebay craze hit several years ago - you know back when it was private people selling their uber-valuable crap not every unemployed person with a computer and their own "store". I was fashionable late to that party but then dedicated more time and energy to winning auctions at the last possible second then I care to admit. Do I even still have any of those treasures - NO! I was a freak. I was 10 second Tim and not because of a short term memory problem or lake of stamina. It was my goal to win every auction I could within the last 10 seconds. I was a bidding fool. Another recent craze (why do they all involve buying stuff?) was Craigslist. I remember my friend Caleb telling me about all these great sports tickets he would buy there. I thought it sounded wierd and possible immoral, which in certain sections it most certainly is! Eventually I caved on that one too. I shopped for hours for cars I would never own and would never give a second look at if I saw in person, but somehow on Craigslist they become this holy grail-esque prize of untold beauty. Those of you that know my obsession with old Camaro's may really question the use of the word beauty there. I can think of numerous other things that once I got over my snobbery and drank the koolaid I became the biggest addict on the block. Although I usually dropped them just as quickly like the bad habit they were.
So I wonder if blogging will become the same thing. So far I have resisted the urge to blog every day but I have picked up my blog stalking efforts and find myself being critical of other bloggers. Like somehow their brief comments on nothing of significance or their mundane posts about family stuff is not up to my high standards. I feel the trickle of koolaid down my throat. I wonder if in a while I will neglect this blog like I discarded my 10 second Tim persona. Although I do still wander to Craigslist occasionally in search of the perfect Camaro. Yes, I did just use the words perfect and Camaro in the same sentence.
Attention all you bloggers out there - I am watching!
And waiting for when I don't give a crap anymore and throw up the occasional picture or inadequately crafted prose.
So I wonder if blogging will become the same thing. So far I have resisted the urge to blog every day but I have picked up my blog stalking efforts and find myself being critical of other bloggers. Like somehow their brief comments on nothing of significance or their mundane posts about family stuff is not up to my high standards. I feel the trickle of koolaid down my throat. I wonder if in a while I will neglect this blog like I discarded my 10 second Tim persona. Although I do still wander to Craigslist occasionally in search of the perfect Camaro. Yes, I did just use the words perfect and Camaro in the same sentence.
Attention all you bloggers out there - I am watching!
And waiting for when I don't give a crap anymore and throw up the occasional picture or inadequately crafted prose.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Passenger seat
The funny thing about being a car guy is it usually generates one of two conversations. The first is the similar to the one somebody in the medical field probable has which revolves around diagnosing some problem with a vehicle without every seeing the "patient" or hearing the mysterious but should be obvious to me noise. Of course the appropriate response as a card carrying car guy is "Ooooh , sounds expensive!"
The second conversation invariable has to do with your driving and the suggestion that either "you have got to ride with this guy" or "unless your insurance is up to day don't get in the passenger seat." I suspect I generate more of the second. There are a few brave souls (or brain damaged) that seem to cherish the thrill and become your unsolicited advocates as if they earn some sort of commission on the number of years you extract from each unsuspecting person's life. My friend Nick is one such advocate. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he is brave not brain damaged but after years in youth ministry my diagnosis is suspect. Nick actually seems to enjoy riding in the car with me occastionally (why tempt fate more often).
This blog entry is not really about documenting my .... ahem .... enthusiastic driving skills. As I was reflecting on my initial post and this theme of driving, I began to think about different driving experiences I have had. Most track experiences involve an instructor that gives you pointers on how to control your vehicle or how to navigate the track. And yes find the apex of each corner. I have been blessed to have many good instructors over the years both in the car and outside of it. Eventually at a track event once you are deemed only a mild threat to those around you, they give you the opportunity to go "solo". The funny thing about being solo is it isn't as much fun because there is no one there to give you suggestions or see how truly cool you are. Inevitable if you can maintain your, only a mild threat status, you get the opportunity to instruct others. This involves them riding with you and you riding with them. Luckily I have gotten to experience this both inside the car and in life. This all lends me to the overwhelming sense that "passengers" in life make all the difference. I have many people in my life that instruct me. They are critical to my success. Not only can I not navigate without them, I don't want to try. It is something that I do not think I recognize often enough and I know I do not thank them to the extent that I should. There are many more than I could list and if I did I would certainly absent mindedly skip someone so to all of you, you know who you are, I say thanks. And to those that I have the opportunity to share my experience with I also say thanks because it is an incredible honor. The best parts of me are always the ones that I give away.
So I encourage you (the 3 of you that read my blog) to keep looking for those apexes and pay attention to those that would be your passengers. Happy motoring!
And don't worry eventually I will run out of automotive metaphors but after this is bathroom humor so trust me this is better.
The second conversation invariable has to do with your driving and the suggestion that either "you have got to ride with this guy" or "unless your insurance is up to day don't get in the passenger seat." I suspect I generate more of the second. There are a few brave souls (or brain damaged) that seem to cherish the thrill and become your unsolicited advocates as if they earn some sort of commission on the number of years you extract from each unsuspecting person's life. My friend Nick is one such advocate. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he is brave not brain damaged but after years in youth ministry my diagnosis is suspect. Nick actually seems to enjoy riding in the car with me occastionally (why tempt fate more often).
This blog entry is not really about documenting my .... ahem .... enthusiastic driving skills. As I was reflecting on my initial post and this theme of driving, I began to think about different driving experiences I have had. Most track experiences involve an instructor that gives you pointers on how to control your vehicle or how to navigate the track. And yes find the apex of each corner. I have been blessed to have many good instructors over the years both in the car and outside of it. Eventually at a track event once you are deemed only a mild threat to those around you, they give you the opportunity to go "solo". The funny thing about being solo is it isn't as much fun because there is no one there to give you suggestions or see how truly cool you are. Inevitable if you can maintain your, only a mild threat status, you get the opportunity to instruct others. This involves them riding with you and you riding with them. Luckily I have gotten to experience this both inside the car and in life. This all lends me to the overwhelming sense that "passengers" in life make all the difference. I have many people in my life that instruct me. They are critical to my success. Not only can I not navigate without them, I don't want to try. It is something that I do not think I recognize often enough and I know I do not thank them to the extent that I should. There are many more than I could list and if I did I would certainly absent mindedly skip someone so to all of you, you know who you are, I say thanks. And to those that I have the opportunity to share my experience with I also say thanks because it is an incredible honor. The best parts of me are always the ones that I give away.
So I encourage you (the 3 of you that read my blog) to keep looking for those apexes and pay attention to those that would be your passengers. Happy motoring!
And don't worry eventually I will run out of automotive metaphors but after this is bathroom humor so trust me this is better.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
So it begins
My contrary side usually moves me to be the last to join or do anything that I perceive to be trendy or going with the flow. So it is with much consternation that I have overcome this unattractive character trait and joined the blogging world. It may be like diets, exercising or countless other noble and possible healthy pursuits that I flirt with rather than fully committing too. However, right now, today I am dedicated.
Apex is a word that according to the dictionary means the tip or pinnacle of something. I struggled for a long time (more than 5 minutes) about what to call my blog. I heard someone said once at a church planting conference that the suspected main draw for church planters was to get to name their own church. There is something cool about naming something I suppose. I confess I have friends that have named blog sites after clever variations or plays on their names. No one can pronounce mine properly and hot Raad (rod for you non-Norseman) got pretty old as a kid. I suppose I could go with a description of some incredible personal talent or skill like some other people I know. Sarcasm isn't really an interesting blog title.
So I return to this word Apex. The dictionary definition is not really why I am attracted to the word. There certainly is a substantial portion of my energy and life dedicated to my perception of success which is often described or characterized in tip, pinnacle or various other mountain peak analogies. I am more referencing the word as a racing term. In racing the apex of a corner is the middle of the corner, the balance point if you will. The apex is the perfect center where slowing or braking has happened, turning is happening and acceleration resumes. The difference between taking a corner fast or slow is dependent upon being able to identify this balance point. You could be in the fastest race car or the slowest bucket of bolts - they all have the same apex point. Race tracks have all kinds of corners with all kinds of apexes - early ones, late ones, even double ones. But the apex still remains. That point where your momentum has slowed sufficiently to undertake a course correction at exact right moment so you can increase your speed as quickly as possible in the desired direction. Too much speed when you begin to turn and you will loose control. Too much braking before you begin to turn and the corner feels hopelessly slow. When you fail to identify the apex it becomes necessary to make several turns or adjustments rather then fluidly moving through the corner. Missing the apex means not being able to accelerate as soon as you can. Momentum is lost.
There is a rush unlike anything else when you apex a corner perfectly. Then as you begin to put together a succession of corners you experience a rhythm and your speed increases lap over lap. It is a harmony between you, the car, and the forces of nature. Balance! How many times in life have I stopped dead looking at a corner in front of me? I wonder should I take the corner - where does it lead - I don't know. Maybe I should back up and return the way I came. Or how many times the opposite, charging into a turn in life with such speed and intensity completely disregarding the laws of physics that will see to it that I spin out of control. There are those few times almost seemingly by accident that balance is achieved. Harmony reached with such sweet victory. That is success.
I think part of the reason I like apex beyond just the racing implications and the fact that I get to put a cool car picture up top is that for me I fall victim to the idea that balance and harmony are achieved by the absence of conflict. An apex does not occur on a straightaway or in the pits. It is in the midst of a turn. It always involves a change of direction. I take great peace and comfort in the fact that I can experience balance and harmony in the middle of some pretty anxious turns.
I feel the rush of speed as I am propelled towards the next turn. My whole body tenses as I apply pressure to the brakes and the weight of my body shifts forward against the safety belt. The nervous sweat is everywhere except my palms which grip the steering wheel as I see the corner looming large in front of me. Now at the perfect point of speed and timing I turn into the corner fixated on that place where I know I must go. The Apex. I feel it as much as I see it. The forces of gravity tug at me as if trying to pull me right out of the car. There it is! I feel the forces ease just a bit and I can see the exit and stare down the track to the lane opening in front of me. I allow myself to roll onto the accelerator and feel the rush of momentum rocket me forward. It was perfect.
Now on to the next corner!
Apex is a word that according to the dictionary means the tip or pinnacle of something. I struggled for a long time (more than 5 minutes) about what to call my blog. I heard someone said once at a church planting conference that the suspected main draw for church planters was to get to name their own church. There is something cool about naming something I suppose. I confess I have friends that have named blog sites after clever variations or plays on their names. No one can pronounce mine properly and hot Raad (rod for you non-Norseman) got pretty old as a kid. I suppose I could go with a description of some incredible personal talent or skill like some other people I know. Sarcasm isn't really an interesting blog title.
So I return to this word Apex. The dictionary definition is not really why I am attracted to the word. There certainly is a substantial portion of my energy and life dedicated to my perception of success which is often described or characterized in tip, pinnacle or various other mountain peak analogies. I am more referencing the word as a racing term. In racing the apex of a corner is the middle of the corner, the balance point if you will. The apex is the perfect center where slowing or braking has happened, turning is happening and acceleration resumes. The difference between taking a corner fast or slow is dependent upon being able to identify this balance point. You could be in the fastest race car or the slowest bucket of bolts - they all have the same apex point. Race tracks have all kinds of corners with all kinds of apexes - early ones, late ones, even double ones. But the apex still remains. That point where your momentum has slowed sufficiently to undertake a course correction at exact right moment so you can increase your speed as quickly as possible in the desired direction. Too much speed when you begin to turn and you will loose control. Too much braking before you begin to turn and the corner feels hopelessly slow. When you fail to identify the apex it becomes necessary to make several turns or adjustments rather then fluidly moving through the corner. Missing the apex means not being able to accelerate as soon as you can. Momentum is lost.
There is a rush unlike anything else when you apex a corner perfectly. Then as you begin to put together a succession of corners you experience a rhythm and your speed increases lap over lap. It is a harmony between you, the car, and the forces of nature. Balance! How many times in life have I stopped dead looking at a corner in front of me? I wonder should I take the corner - where does it lead - I don't know. Maybe I should back up and return the way I came. Or how many times the opposite, charging into a turn in life with such speed and intensity completely disregarding the laws of physics that will see to it that I spin out of control. There are those few times almost seemingly by accident that balance is achieved. Harmony reached with such sweet victory. That is success.
I think part of the reason I like apex beyond just the racing implications and the fact that I get to put a cool car picture up top is that for me I fall victim to the idea that balance and harmony are achieved by the absence of conflict. An apex does not occur on a straightaway or in the pits. It is in the midst of a turn. It always involves a change of direction. I take great peace and comfort in the fact that I can experience balance and harmony in the middle of some pretty anxious turns.
I feel the rush of speed as I am propelled towards the next turn. My whole body tenses as I apply pressure to the brakes and the weight of my body shifts forward against the safety belt. The nervous sweat is everywhere except my palms which grip the steering wheel as I see the corner looming large in front of me. Now at the perfect point of speed and timing I turn into the corner fixated on that place where I know I must go. The Apex. I feel it as much as I see it. The forces of gravity tug at me as if trying to pull me right out of the car. There it is! I feel the forces ease just a bit and I can see the exit and stare down the track to the lane opening in front of me. I allow myself to roll onto the accelerator and feel the rush of momentum rocket me forward. It was perfect.
Now on to the next corner!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)